


We Heal With Time

by Eggsyobsessed



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Attempted Suicide, Child Loss, Daisy is Eggsy's Child, Drunk Driving, Emotional Healing, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Merwin, Fatal car accident, Five Stages of Grief, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Group Therapy, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Past Harry Hart/Merlin - Freeform, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Therapy, non-canon, spouse loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-05-21 14:09:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14916821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggsyobsessed/pseuds/Eggsyobsessed
Summary: Taking his therapist’s advice, Eggsy decides to attend the grief support group for people who have lost a loved one. Through the meetings, he encounters an older Scotsman who is grieving the loss of his husband. Overtime Eggsy begins to heal, and along the way gains a friendship that turns into something more.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AutumnSwitch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutumnSwitch/gifts), [Dravni](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dravni/gifts).



> This was an idea I had while making coffee (I know strange). I was unsure about posting it, but some encouragement and here I am!  
> This is new territory for me. I have not ever explored such emotional turmoil before. I am usually writing out fluff that could rot your teeth, but something about this story just screamed it needed to be told.  
> *Warning*  
> Updating will be infrequent  
> Please read the tags for possible triggers!
> 
> Any feedback is encouraged and I hope you all can enjoy it!
> 
> Much love <3 xoxo
> 
> *Gifting this to AutumnSwitch and Dravni* My two angst pots <3

Eggsy sat worrying his lip as one of the women of the group were sharing their story of how she lost her husband. She was sitting right next to him. Which meant they’d expect him to share.

They were in a circle, he made sure his seat was the one closest to the door. He wanted to make sure he had an easy access out if needed.

He was fidgeting with his hands, flipping thumbs and tugging nervously at his jeans.

“Eggsy,” His therapist, Dr. Lang called quietly.

He looked up and she was smiling softly like she always did when addressing him.

“Your turn, if you’re up to it.”

Eggsy looked around the room at the various faces who were offering looks of understanding to him. He bit his lip harder tasting metal. He swallowed hard and shook his head -- he wasn’t ready.

Dr. Lang nodded her head and looked to the next person who began to share the loss of her 20-year-old daughter.

He was just listening and his mind began to wander.

_****_   
_Flashback_

_“Daddy?” Daisy asked from the back seat._

_“Yes flower?”_

_“Can we go get ice cream and bring it to Nan? I wanna see Nan and Papa.”_

_Eggsy smiled to himself waiting for the light to turn green, “Sure baby. I’m sure they’d like that.”_

_The traffic light turned green and he took his foot off of the break and eased onto the gas pedal going forward. Listening to his daughter babble about seeing her grandparents, he didn’t see it coming._

_Another car hit theirs coming from the left._

_End Flashback_   
_****_

Eggsy closed his eyes hard trying to remember the breathing exercises Dr. Lang had taught him. He couldn’t focus his breathing was too fast. He was hyperventilating and before he knew it Dr. Lang was approaching him. Eggsy shot up quickly and ran out of the room.

Before he knew it he was outside bracing his hands against his knees trying to catch his breath. There was a noise that sounded like a strangled cry -- it was him. His cheeks wet with his own tears.

He took in a few deep breaths and stood up straighter looking up at the now dark sky. He pulled his phone out sending a text to Jamal asking if he could meet him in the park. It didn’t surprise Eggsy when the response was that Jamal would meet him there.

Making the 15-minute walk, Eggsy shoved his hands into his pocket and felt defeated. He couldn’t even sit in for a full hour session.

It was better than the first time. He hadn’t lasted 20 minutes at least this time it was 45 minutes. His mum would be proud to hear that.

*

Eggsy sat on a free bench and waited until Jamal appeared 3 minutes later.

“Hey bruv,” He said and fist bumped Eggsy.

They just sat there not saying anything for a while. The good thing about Jamal was he was just there if Eggsy needed him to be. It was reassuring to have someone there who wouldn’t poke and prod at you to open up.

“Stayed 45 minutes this time,” Eggsy said looking out to the moon.

Jamal shifted to look at Eggsy, “That’s good mate.” He gave a sympathetic pat on Eggsy’s knee.

Again he waited for Eggsy to initiate conversation. Jamal knew Eggsy would talk when he needed to.

“I didn’t share either. Just listened.” Eggsy met Jamal’s gaze and smiled at his best friend -- a few tears slipped down his cheek. “I just don’t know if I’m ready to share her with them yet.”

“Cuz you do it when you’re ready, yeah?”

Eggsy took in a shaky breath, “I know. Maybe next time.” He always made this promise when his mum would ask how it went and every time he told her ‘maybe next time’ he really meant it when he said it. It was just so fucking hard to find the words and say them.

“Yeah mate. When you’re ready,” Jamal responded.

“I even walked over to the cemetery the other day -- I just stood there looking at the open gate. Couldn’t really go in.” Eggsy said and grabbed onto the locket he wore every day. He rubbed his thumb soothingly over the engraved D on the front.

“You’ll be able to someday.”

“Yeah maybe,” He said and didn’t sound so convinced. Eggsy was eternally grateful for his friend.

A comfortable silence fell over the two as they just sat for another half hour. Eggsy stood first and looked at Jamal.

“Thanks, bruv. Really.” He meant every word.

Jamal stood and pulled Eggsy into a tight hug. Holding on a little longer as Eggsy silently sobbed against his friend shoulder.

He pulled away wiping the tears that spilled, “I’m gonna go now. I’ll text you when I get home.”

“You sure you’re good?”

“Yeah. I’m good,” Eggsy winked and turned to go. He only lived 10 minutes from the park on foot. He walked up the steps to his parent’s townhome and unlocked the door. Just like every day, JB greeted him and he bent down to give the pug a belly rub. He remembered when they first got him.

He had gotten him 3 years ago for his daughter. She was so excited when he said she could get a puppy. They had even looked through various photos of dogs online, and she wanted a bulldog.

Eggsy had found a breeder and surprised her on her 4th birthday with the puppy. It wasn’t until JB got bigger did he realise it wasn’t a bulldog, but a pug. He was ready to take the dog back and demand a refund, but Daisy had cried and pleaded with him to keep JB. He couldn’t ever tell his flower no, she was so in love with JB.

_***_   
_Flashback_

_Eggsy sat on the couch with Daisy pulled close to his side._

_“Okay. We know puppies are a lot of work, right?”_

_“I know,” Daisy answered._

_“You have to feed it and water it. We have to make sure it goes on walks every day, flower.”_

_Daisy shifted impatiently next to her father. “I know.”_

_Eggsy smirked and turned the laptop on. He opened up the search engine to look at various photos of dogs._

_End Flashback_   
_***_

“Were you a good boy today?” He asked and the pug snorted.

“Always behaves,” His mum said coming down the stairs. “You’re home late.”

He stood and kicked his trainers off and hung his jacket, “Yeah. Saw Jamal afterward.”

Michelle smiled, “How did it go?”

Eggsy shuffled a little nervously, “Fine. Stayed for 45 minutes this time -- I didn’t share tho.”

She looked at her son and just gave him another smile. “That’s okay. Maybe next time, yeah?”

“Yeah,” He said quietly not meeting her gaze.

“Want a cuppa?” She asked already making her way to the kitchen.

“Nah. Think I’m gonna head to bed,” He said and walked to her giving her a kiss on the cheek and patted his leg for JB to follow him.

*

He showered and dressed in his pajama bottoms. Crawling into bed, he pulled the one Teddy close to him. It had lost the scent of Daisy over the last 2 years, but he still was comforted by the old bear he had bought her the day she was born.

_***_   
_Flashback_

_“Don’t forget Mr. Teddy, Daddy,” Daisy pointed to the brown bear on her rocking chair._

_“How could I forget,” Eggsy kissed her forehead and got Mr. Teddy. He placed the stuffed animal under the covers with his daughter._

_Daisy snuggled close to it, “Will you sing twinkle twinkle little star again?” She jutted her lower lip out a little, “Please?”_

_He placed his hands on his hips and sighed - it would be the 3rd time he’d sung it already, “Okay, but one more time. Then little flowers need to sleep.” Eggsy poked her nose causing her to giggle._

_Eggsy sat on the side of her bed and pulled her close like he usually did when he sang to her and started to sing._

_End Flashback_   
_***_

Eggsy looked over at the photo he had on his nightstand of her and him. He picked it up and kissed where Daisy’s face was. “Goodnight my flower.” He put it back down and snuggled in and closed his eyes.

_***_   
_Flashback_

_“Where’s my daughter?” It was the first thing out of his mouth once he had woken up in a hospital room. When no one answered him, he began to get out of the bed. His father placed a hand to his chest and eased him back down._

_“Eggsy, you have a concussion. Just sit back a second,” Lee said and Eggsy saw a pained look in his eyes._

_“Dad --” Eggsy began and the Doctor came in._

_“Gary. It’s good to see you awake. I’m Dr. Harris. You were in a motor vehicle accident. You have a broken shoulder, a concussion, and two broken ribs.” He said._

_“Where’s my daughter?” Eggsy repeated, feeling absolutely done with no one answering him._

_Dr. Harris went to open his mouth when a woman walked in. She came and stood beside Eggsy’s bed._

_“I’m Dr. Lang, one of the grief counselors here.” She said, and that confused Eggsy. Why the fuck was a grief counselor here?_

_“Okay,” Eggsy said and looked around the room. His mum was in the corner crying and his dad was just barely keeping his tears at bay. “The fuck is going on?”_

_Dr. Harris stepped closer, “Your car was hit on the left side, where your daughter was. You lost consciousness hitting your head against the window. When the paramedics got to you, they pronounced your daughter had died on impact.”_

_End Flashback_   
_***_

Eggsy woke with a start, his body drenched from sweat. He stared up at the ceiling catching his breath. Slowly, he sat up and looked at the clock: 3:22 am. He rubbed shaky hands over his face feeling the tears on his cheeks.

He got out of bed and didn’t bother with a shower. Eggsy dressed in an old pair of sweats and a shirt. He placed his running shoes on and left the house.

It was a cool night in July. Not bothering to stretch he began to run. He never had a destination in mind. Always running until his lungs were burning for oxygen.

He ended up running 10 kilometers and just realized where his feet had taken him. He stood in front of the closed gates to the cemetery. Eggsy paced in front of them with his hands on his hips as he caught his breath. He stopped and took a deep breath in and screamed as loud as he could -- he did it again -- and again -- and again until he couldn’t scream anymore and his throat hurt.

Eggsy sat on the grass next to the gates, pulled his knees up to his chest and covered his eyes with his palms. He sat there and cried until no more tears would come. He looked out at the sky as the sun came up. Taking his phone out of his pocket he saw it was 6:30 in the morning.

He stood up and brushed himself off and began the 10 kilometer run back home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to reach out and say that I am completely taken aback by the number of people who have expressed their interest in this story.  
> For that, I am updating it again today. This will not be a regular thing, but I wanted to provide another chapter.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has subscribed, left a kudo, commented, bookmarked and those who choose to enjoy the story anonymously.
> 
> Much Love! xoxo

It had been another morning of waking up at 3 am. Eggsy hadn't been able to sleep the last few weeks. Figuring it had something to do with the anniversary of Daisy's death coming up next week. He made himself a promise to share that week during the grief meeting.

He walked through the front door and kicked off his sneakers making his way into the kitchen. His dad was seated at the breakfast bar having a cuppa like he normally did.

"Another bad night?" Lee asked not looking up from the paper he was reading.

"Mm," Eggsy hummed and went to the fridge to grab some orange juice.

"Maybe you should try those sleeping pills again."

He turned to look at his father as he leaned against the counter, "I don't like the way they make me feel the next morning."

Lee looked up and his heart squeezed at how tired his son looked. The bags under his eyes were a dark purple, "Eggsy --"

"I know," He said quietly not needing the verbal confirmation of how horrible he looked. He started to worry his lip and downed the rest of his juice.

"Work today?" Lee asked trying to change to subject as the air in the room was getting heavy.

"Yeah, I go in at 10." Eggsy said.

His dad nodded his head and went back to reading his paper.

Eggsy went upstairs to shower and get ready for the day.

It was just 7 in the morning and he had a while before he needed to be at the coffee shop. He stopped by the end of his bed to give JB a loving pat on the head.

He went into the bathroom off of his room and turned the water on to let it warm. He sighed at his reflection in the mirror and went to take a leak before getting in.

He stepped in and placed his hand against the wall letting the water cascade over his sore muscles. He really needed to start stretching before his runs.

Deciding not to stay under the water too long he got out and towel dried himself. He wrapped it around his waist and went to his closet to get out clothes for the day. He ran his fingers over the material of his long sleeved button down shirts and various ties he had. Halting his hand on one.

 _***_  
_Flashback_

_He was woken by a small body pouncing on him. Eggsy turned and trapped Daisy in his arms and nuzzled her neck causing her to squirm and squeal._

_"Daddy!" She screeched as he breathed against her neck knowing it tickled her._

_"Oh my flower smells so good," He said and she turned in his arms pushing against his chest trying to get away._

_Daisy wriggled more and huffed out loud. That had Eggsy laughing. She was 4 going on 30._

_"Daddy, I have something for you." She said._

_He peered at her and she was holding a box that was_ rectangle _in shape. She clutched onto it with her small hands so tightly she had dented it._

 _Daisy held her arms out as far as_ the space _would allow, "Happy Father's Day!" She smiled._

_Eggsy smiled widely and kissed her on the forehead, "Thank you, baby."_

_"Aren't you going to open it?" She asked her face falling just a little._

_"Of course!" He exclaimed and sat up placing her_ in _his lap. He took the gift from her and opened it. It held a tie that had little stick figures of a man and a girl drawn by a child's hand printed all over it._

_"Did you draw these?" He asked his voice tight with emotion._

_"Yep, Nan helped me. I drew the pictures and helped pick out the color of the tie. Nan got it all ready," She said proudly. "It's you and me, Daddy."_

_His eyes welled with tears and the tie was in his favorite color: navy blue._

_"You like it?" Daisy asked a little self consciously when her father didn't praise her._

_"Oh, I love it baby, best tie ever." He managed to say and pulled her close._

_End Flashback_  
_***_

He was holding the tie close to him and a couple of tears escaped. Taking in a few deep breaths he hung it back up with the rest. He grabbed a pair of jeans and a button-down checkered short sleeve shirt.

Dressing for the day he decided to take JB on a short walk before making the 5 kilometers walk to the coffee shop.

*

The bell to the front door pinged and Eggsy saw Roxy pop up from behind the counter. Her hair was tossed into a messy bun on the top of her head, she smiled at him when he strolled in.

"Hey Eggsy," She said and looked at the clock. "Your shift doesn't start for another hour."

He walked behind the counter and grabbed his apron putting it on, "I know. I won't clock in for another hour. Just antsy."

She smiled knowingly at him, "You know my dad won't allow that. Now go in the back and clock in." Roxy pushed him and he went to do as she said.

He found Morton's Grounds to be a nice place to work for. Eggsy had gotten the job 6 months prior and was slowly trying to adapt to a new lifestyle -- baby steps his therapist had told him.

Eggsy enjoyed the atmosphere of the shop and liked how it kept him occupied for the better part of the day. He sucked bollocks when he first started -- not having been a barista before, but he was quick to learn.

The day sped by as it was a busy Monday morning. Various people stopping in for a latte or coffee. Some chose the baked goods that the owner stocked provided from the bakery two shops down: Tilde's Sweets.

The owner always gave Percival Morton a discount as she was sweet on Roxy.

Percival came up to Eggsy as he was counting the register and gave the younger man a pat on the shoulder. He was a man of few words, but a good bloke Eggsy gathered.

"See you tomorrow?" He asked and Eggsy nodded his head.

Anxiety was beginning to suffocate his chest. He seemed to always get this way at the end of the day. With the knowledge, he'd be sitting with a room full of people who shared their losses with each other.

Eggsy took his apron off hanging it up and gave a quick goodbye to Roxy and her father. He walked slower than he usually did enjoying the breeze rolling through the city in September.

He was 2 kilometers from his home when he heard tires screech and halt to a stop. Eggsy stopped in his tracks and didn't hear anything around him anymore.

He was transported back to the sounds of another car crashing into his. Someone asking him if he could hear them, but not being able to answer as he slipped in and out of consciousness. He wanted to tell them to check on his little girl who was in the backseat. Save her -- save her -- he didn't want these strangers to worry about him.

Eggsy was brought back and he was in the middle of the sidewalk with people looking at him. He hadn't realized he was kneeling on the ground his whole body shaking. Someone was touching his shoulder. He flinched away from the touch.

"Lad are ye okay?" The man asked with a Scottish accent. It sounded familiar.

He looked up to see the man crouch to his eye level. He recognized the bloke from the grief support group. Eggsy didn't remember his name. He was bald, tall as fuck and had the kindest hazel eyes.

"Come on, need a walk?" He asked and he was pulling Eggsy up with him.

Eggsy got his breathing under control before properly facing the man, "I'm good." He managed to say in a shaky voice.

The man gave him a sad knowing smile, "Okay. Take care."

He nodded his head and stuck his hands into his pockets. The Scotsman gave him another once over and walked away. Eggsy pulled in a deep breath and continued home.

*

September 22nd -- it was the day that forever meant Daisy wouldn’t age past 5.

Eggsy lay in bed staring at the ceiling. He didn’t want to move -- wasn’t entirely sure he was capable. He had made sure to have this day off knowing he would be on little use to Percival.

JB toddled up and began to lick his hand. Eggsy turned to the side and gave the dog a couple of slow strokes along his back.

There was a knock on his door, "Come in." He said and his parents walked in. He knew what they would ask him.

Lee sat on one side of the bed and Michelle took the other. No one said anything for a moment and the silence was killing Eggsy.

"I know what you want to ask and I can't. Not today." He shook his head and was slowly slipping into a panic attack.

"It's okay," Lee said softly.

His parents went at least twice a month to place daisies on his daughter grave. He hadn't been there once since they buried her. He couldn't do it.

His father stood and gave him a kiss on the top of his head and left the room. His mother took his face in her hands and kissed his forehead. She pulled him close when a sob broke through him.

"I love you," She said and let him go. He was just aware of her own tears.

He sat there and looked at the clock; it was 10:30 am. He promised himself one more hour and then he'd get up to go to his session with Dr. Lang.

*

He sat bouncing his leg nervously as the minutes ticked by. He had been there for 25 minutes and hadn't said a word to Dr. Lang.

She waited patiently like she always did.

"It's 2 years today," Eggsy finally said quietly.

Dr. Lang nodded her head, "What did you do to deal with today?"

"Was in bed most of the morning." He admitted.

"Look at any pictures?"

He shook his head, "No."

"2 years -- so that means she'd be 7." Dr. Lang prompted.

"Yeah."

"What do you imagine she'd look like now?"

Eggsy shifted uncomfortably in his seat and shrugged. Not sure how to answer that, "Like Daisy? Little taller, her blonde curls would be to her bum I'm sure. Never had the heart to have them cut." He smiled to himself.

"Did you go to her grave?" Dr. Lang finally asked.

His eyes began to fill with tears and his lip trembled, "No." He started to bite his lip.

"But your parents did," It wasn't a question.

"They did," Eggsy agreed. He stayed silent for a bit longer.

“What are your plans for the rest of the night? Would you still be attending the group session?” She asked.

He moved a little, “Yeah.” Eggsy got quiet again and realized the time. He sighed and stood, “I’ll see you later, yeah?”

Dr. Lang nodded her head and offered a small smile, “You will.”

Eggsy managed a half-hearted smile and left.

*

Eggsy sat in the circle closest to the door like he always did. He saw the bloke whose name he now remembered: Merlin. He was up next.

"Hello, my name is Merlin," And everyone answered hello Merlin.

"My husband has been gone now for 7 years. Cancer is a fucking bitch. The bookshop is coming along. Finally got around to updating it. Harry and I had plans to do that before he got sick. Most of the money we had saved for that was spent on medical bills." Merlin smiled sadly and got quiet for a second, "Managed to turn it around after 7 years -- I still miss him. Realizing I don't think I'll ever not miss him." He paused looking at everyone and giving Eggsy a soft smile, "Thank ye for letting me share." He said and the next person was speaking.

Dr. Lang looked at Eggsy expectantly as he was next. He hadn't said a word to anyone the 3 months he had been coming. No one prodded him to say anything. No one approached him after each meeting even when he stayed the full time.

He took a few deep breaths and cleared his throat, "Hi...my names Eggsy," He started and everyone gave him a hello.

Eggsy sat there for a few more moments beginning to sweat, "I -- I lost --" He stopped and closed his eyes. When he opened them everyone was looking at him. His eyes burned with tears. He needed to just spit it out, "Lost my baby girl...2 years ago." He finally said and was shaking. He saw Dr. Lang give him a small smile.

He met her gaze and shook his head signaling he couldn't say more. She nodded her head understanding and looked to the next person.

No one stared at him the rest of the time as his tears rolled freely down his face. Once Dr. Lang concluded the meet she told them all how proud of them she was and she looked directly at Eggsy when she said this.

He got up and made his way to the park he often went to after the meetings.

*

He sat on the bench looking out into the sky as the clouds moved over the moon. He was just aware of someone sitting on the other end of the bench. Eggsy looked over and saw it was that Merlin bloke.

"Sorry to hear about yer daughter. Deepest condolences," Merlin said not looking at the younger man next to him.

Eggsy shifted ever so slightly and nodded his head, "Thanks." Neither said anything further, just listened to the trees rustling in the wind.

Merlin was the first to get up and leave.

Eggsy stayed there well into the night. He didn't move -- didn't feel he could. He looked back out at the moon that was shining brightly.

 _***_  
_Flashback_

_Daisy bounced onto Eggsy’s lap causing him to spill his tea on the paper he was grading._

_“Daisy!” He shouted and began to clean up the mess._

_“Sorry,” She said quietly._

_“Babe you have to be more careful. I need to hand these back to the students.” He said laying out the papers on the kitchen table._

_He rubbed his temples and went back into the living area where his daughter still sat on the couch. Eggsy noticed she was clutching a paper close to her chest, “What do you have there flower?” He asked sitting next to her._

_“A slip. Mrs. Jacob’s said that you have to sign it.” She handed the paper over to her father._

_Eggsy took it and read it over, cursing at himself for leaving his reading glasses in his classroom. It was a permission slip to the planetarium. He grabbed a pen and signed it for her._

_“There you go. Now go place it into your pack.” He said and she hopped off of the couch to do as she was told._

_Daisy came back and climbed onto her Daddy’s now free lap. “Will you go with me?”_

_He pulled her close, “I won’t be able to. I have to teach too.”_

_She frowned, “Well -- maybe you can take me on the weekend?”_

_He smiled at her and kissed the top of her head, “Alright. It’s a date. We’ll go this weekend.” Eggsy promised._

_Daisy beamed at her father and wrapped her arms around his neck to hug him close._

_End Flashback_  
_***_

As he sat there watching the sun come up he realized he was never able to take her to the planetarium -- because the next day her life was cut short.

Running his hands over his face he stood and walked home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Here is an update for you all! I hope you enjoy <3
> 
> I want to extend my gratitude to everyone who has given me feedback on this story. Anyone who reads my other work knows this is completely out of my realm. I truly appreciate every kudo, comment, bookmark, and those who chose to stay anonymous. 
> 
> Much love <3 xoxo

It had been a month since he shared with the group about Daisy. He hadn’t shared since. Wasn’t sure if he could again, but it had come to his turn and he fidgeted with the bottom of his shirt, gnawing at his lip.

He squared off his shoulders and looked at everyone, “My name’s Eggsy and I lost my daughter.” He started and felt his control slipping. He began to cry and everyone waited patiently, “It was a car accident.” Eggsy paused, “Just a regular day you know?” He took in a couple cleansing breaths and wiped away at the tears that spilled, “Was going to go see my parents. She wanted to bring them ice cream.” He smiled at the memory, “She was only 5.” His voice dropped to a whisper, “That’s all I’m going to share today...thanks.” He looked down at his hands that were shaking.

At the end of the meeting, Dr. Lang actually followed him out to the front of the building. “Eggsy,” She said softly.

He turned on his heel and looked at her.

She walked forward as if assessing his reaction. Dr. Lang placed her hands gently on his shoulders. “You know. Daisy would be proud of you, right?”

Eggsy stared at her and nodded his head and she surprised him by doing something she had never done before. She stepped back and offered a hug; he smiled and stepped into the embrace, “Good job.” She said and walked away.

*

Eggsy sat on the park bench after the meeting. He heard someone walk up and sit next to him. He looked and it was Merlin. He gave the older man a small smile.

“Beautiful night isn’t it?” Merlin said breathing in the cool October air.

“It is,” Eggsy agreed and looked up at the full moon. “You know. Our moon is the 5th largest moon in the solar system.” He blurted out.

Merlin looked at him and back to the sky, “I didn’t.”

“Yeah me either. My daughter did tho.”

“That’s pretty good for a 5-year-old,” Merlin said feeling genuinely astonished.

Eggsy smiled, “Bruv she told me that when she was 3 and a half.”

“Well then,” Merlin said and smiled. “Smart kid.”

“She was, yeah. She wanted to be an astronaut. My mum got her all these books on the solar system and shite.” He shook his head, “Made me read them to her every night.” Eggsy chuckled at the memory. He realized it didn’t hurt so much to share these little details with Merlin.

“My Harry was big into the King Arthurian period. That’s why our bookshop is called Kingsman Reads. The man had us stock so many books on that shite.” Merlin laughed out loud, “Now I’ve got this bookstore full of the information that no one is the least bit interested in, but I don’t have the heart to toss it, ye know?”

Eggsy nodded his head understanding all too well not being able to part with the things your loved one held so dear.

“Daisy -- that’s my daughter's name.” Eggsy offered up and continued, “She would collect various flowers we’d find at the park. All different kinds too and she’d know every single one. She would place each in a page of her favorite book. I still have it.”

“I have many of Harry’s things. Not sure I can let them go,” Merlin said.

“Me either,” Eggsy agreed. “If it’s not too much to ask...how long were you with Harry?”

“It’s fine. I have shared this in the past, but ye hadn’t been around yet.” Merlin took in a deep breath, “Been with that crazy bastard since I was 20. Met in university and never looked back. We were married for 15 years. Together for 25 before he passed away.” He paused and wiped away a tear that had fallen, “Ye have anyone?”

“No,” Eggsy shook his head.

They sat for awhile longer in a comfortable silence. Eggsy was the first to stand and looked at Merlin, “Thanks for listening.”

Merlin shrugged and stayed where he sat, “I’m all ears anytime ye need to speak of anything. I know how it feels to drown in yer own grief.”

That touched Eggsy’s heart on a deep level. He nodded his head and walked home.

 

*

_***_

_“I’m sorry?” Eggsy said looking at the Doctor in front of him._

_“Mr. Unwin --” Dr. Lang began._

_“No!” He shouted not willing to accept what they had told him._

_“Eggsy,” Lee said touching his son’s shoulder._

_He flinched away from the touch and looked at his father, “No…” He whispered. “Not my girl...no.” He didn’t think he could breathe. The room was spinning. It had to be a nightmare._

_“She’s a baby...just 5,” Eggsy said and he felt his heart being wrenched out of his body. He hurt -- his chest actually hurt. He felt his heart breaking. “Please, tell me this ain't real.” He looked to his father who no longer was able to keep it together._

_“I really wish it wasn’t,” Lee said and rubbed Eggsy’s head._

_He looked to his mother who had now collapsed to the floor. Someone was screaming and it took him a minute to figure out it was him. His voice going hoarse and he felt his Dad pull him into an embrace. He went lax against his dad’s chest soaking his shirt with his tears. He survived, but his daughter didn’t._

_He sobbed until he couldn’t produce any more tears. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but it had been years since he had let his father hold him like that. Eggsy didn’t move. He didn’t think it’d be humanly possible to move._

_***_

 

He blinked and realized he was standing in the break room at his job. Eggsy gripped onto the counter tightly.

Roxy was waving her hand in front of his face trying to get him to snap out of it, “Hey, hey. Come on. Let’s sit down.” She guided him to a chair and looked to the telly that had the news playing. It was broadcasting a car accident and a young boy was found dead on the scene -- mother in critical condition. She grabbed the remote and shut it off.

“Eggsy,” She said softly and rubbed his face.

Eggsy blinked rapidly and covered his face with his hands as he cried. “Sorry Rox,” He said between a sob.

“Shhh,” She held him close. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” She soothed and rubbed his head.

*

_***_

_Eggsy woke to the sound of his daughter shouting in her room. He got out of bed quickly and saw Daisy thrashing in her sleep. He went over to her bed and began to rub her head._

_“Hey, flower, wake up love.” Eggsy whispered pulling her body into his lap as he sat on her bed. He felt her relax in his arms, “Daisy.”_

_She whimpered a little and her eyes fluttered open. Daisy sniffled some and gazed up at her father._

_“There’s my girl,” He smiled brushing her hair out of her face._

_“Daddy,” She whined and snuggled closer._

_Eggsy hummed and rocked with her in his arms, “Better?”_

_“Yeah,” She answered quietly. “Can I come to bed with you?”_

_“You really should stay in your bed, flower,” Eggsy said and Daisy tightened her grip on him._

_“No!” She shouted._

_“Daisy, shh. We can’t be yelling like that.”_

_“I don’t want to leave you!” She buried her face into his side._

_Eggsy frowned and pulled his daughter away to look at her, “Why would you leave me?”_

_Daisy blinked up at him, “My dream.” She said softly._

_“What was your dream about?”_

_“That just one day you were gone. I wasn’t with you.” She said._

_He hugged her close placing a kiss on her head, “Oh flower. I won’t ever leave you.”_

_“Promise?”_

_Eggsy stood and pulled her up into his arms and carried her to his room, “I promise.” He said and tucked her into his bed. He got in beside her and wrapped his arms around her._

_“We’ll be together forever, right?” Daisy asked and yawned._

_“Yep. You’re stuck with me.”_

_“I love you, Daddy,” She said half asleep._

_His heart swelled, “I love you too.”_

_***_

 

Eggsy sat on the floor in his bedroom in front of the closet. He was going through the box he had full of things Daisy had made. He was holding a picture she had drawn of the two of them and JB standing in front of a park. They held hands and above them, written in Daisy’s handwriting, it read: Together Forever.

He saw a tear hit the page and he quickly wiped it off not wanting to ruin it. Eggsy hadn’t looked at any of these things since he packed them away. He placed it aside and found her book on the solar system. It was the first one his mum had bought her. Written for children who wanted to learn the planets.

Flipping through the pages he found a dried daisy in between two pages. He lifted it out and smiled. He had saved it out of a bouquet that the school had sent him welcoming his daughter. He placed it back in and brought the book to his nightstand setting it next to her picture.

*

“Hi I’m Eggsy Unwin,” He was going to share again. He figured he could try little bits and pieces once a week, “Daisy would have been 7 this month. Her birthday is soon, October 26th.” He inhaled and exhaled, “She was so tiny. I remember how scared I was. Afraid I’d cock up my newborn daughter, but I didn’t.” He smiled a little. Eggsy looked around the room, “I miss her. So much it hurts. I never thought it was possible to have your heart physically hurt, but it does. I know I’ve heard people tell you time heals all wounds. No one says anything about losing a child. I can be okay someday...I think, but it isn’t today.” He was proud of himself when he could keep his tears from spilling. “That’s all. Thanks for letting me share.”

He waited patiently for the rest of the group to share. Eggsy hadn’t realized all the people who had shared common grief. Too caught up in his own feelings...he listened and learned. Some shared how they were coping. It was refreshing to know that he wasn’t the only one who was struggling. He had felt alone for so long.

Eggsy stood once it was over and walked out of the building. He felt someone behind him and soon a long set of legs were beside him.

“Care if I join ye?” Merlin asked his hands in his coat pocket.

“No,” Eggsy said and continued to the park.

It had been the 3rd time Merlin went to the park with him. Eggsy didn’t mind his company.

They sat on the bench. The moon was covered by clouds, but the park lights were shining brightly.

“My husband and I had wanted to adopt,” Merlin began and looked to Eggsy. “We got so busy with the bookstore that we never had the time. Or made the time I should say.” He regretted not having done it. His husband would have made a great father.

“You still could,” Eggsy offered.

“Nae. I wouldn’t ever do it now without Harry and not at my age.”

Eggsy turned his eyes from the sky to look at Merlin, “They’re worth it, bruv. Never imagined I would have said that before she was born, but they are.”

Merlin cocked his head to the side, “She wasn’t planned then?”

He snorted and shook his head, “No. Bit of a surprise.” Eggsy began to rub the locket -- debating whether or not he wanted to share this information with Merlin or not. “I had a girlfriend. She was on birth control and became pregnant. I was just finishing my degree to be a year 4 teacher.” He paused and bit his lip, “She wanted to get rid of her. I was 23 -- what was I going to do with a baby? I had a job lined up for when I finished.” He got quiet.

Merlin sat there listening to the wind. If Eggsy wanted to finish he could and if not Merlin wasn’t going to push him.

A few more minutes passed and Eggsy sighed, “I asked her not to have an abortion. I would raise the baby by myself and you know what? I don’t regret it. Daisy was the best thing in my life.” He choked on the last sentence and covered his eyes. Eggsy composed himself and didn’t look at Merlin, “I haven’t had a drop of alcohol since the accident.” He shook his head.

“Were you drunk?” Merlin asked -- he hadn’t heard this before.

“Nah. The man that hit us was. Ever since then I haven’t been able to bring myself to drink. I don’t really want to. The thought that my daughter’s life was ended at the mercy of someone else who was so fucking careless --” He stopped feeling anger boiling beneath the surface.

It dawned on Merlin. He remembered hearing about the accident on the news -- small girl died on impact and father rushed to the hospital. The world was cruel and Merlin felt sorrow wash over him for the younger man sitting next to him.

“Whatever the fucker is in jail now.” Eggsy said quietly.

“Doesn’t make it any easier,” Merlin said.

“No, you’re right. Because my daughter is 6 feet under and he is alive and I can’t do anything about it. I’ve never felt so out of control of my life. 2 years...they say it gets better. Well, who the fuck made those rules? Because I know I don’t feel any better!” He was shouting by the end. Eggsy took in some deep breaths to calm himself; he waited until his hands weren’t shaking anymore. “Sorry.”

“Ye dinnae need to be sorry. I was angry at the health care system for a bit. Pancreatic cancer -- there is no cure. Chemo and radiation to buy some time. Except that time that was gained is spent in the loo sick...or in bed too weak to move because your energy is sapped and you can’t even lift your hand to stroke the dog your husband got ye before everything went to shite.” Merlin stopped and closed his eyes. He hadn’t realized how angry he still was, “I had to watch him waste away. If I had known his last 6 months would be spent like that. I would have said fuck the treatments and let's go travel a bit.”

Eggsy watched as Merlin lost control and a sob broke through, “I’m sorry.” He said not sure what else to say. Even that was a piss poor answer to give, but nothing he’d say would make it better and that’s something Eggsy understood.

Merlin laughed a little. It was a shaky sound, “Now I have Mr. Pickle the 3rd because Harry named all of his dog’s Mr. Pickle. I never understood that.” He shook his head.

“I have a dog.” Eggsy said.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Daisy picked him out. He’s a pug, named him JB.”

“What does JB stand for?”

Eggsy laughed, “Justin Bieber...she was over the moon with his song.” He stopped to think of it, “I think it was ‘If I was your boyfriend’? I hated it.”  
Merlin couldn’t help himself and laugh -- he laughed so hard he was doubled over and tears rolled down his face.

Eggsy smiled and laughed with him, “I had refused to call him that.” He shook his head wiping away a few tears of his own, “Decided to call him JB...I always secretly named him Jack Bauer.”

“That is better than Justin Bieber.”

A comfortable silence fell over them for a bit longer. The wind blew and caused Eggsy to shiver against himself. He stood and looked at Merlin who appeared to be comfortable where he was. He figured the man didn’t want to return to an empty house, “You know. I like to take JB on walks in the morning. Maybe you could join us with Mr. Pickle sometime?” He shoved his hands into his pocket and shuffled a little.

He met Eggsy’s eyes and smiled, “That would be nice.”

“How about this Saturday? We can meet here if you’d like at 9. I know of a really decent coffee shop not far from here.”

“Okay. I’ll see ye then,” Merlin said and his heart tugged a little at the genuine smile Eggsy offered. He hadn’t seen the younger man smile like that since he had started coming to meetings.

“Stay warm mate,” Eggsy said and walked away.

*

Merlin walked home an hour after Eggsy left. He was greeted at the door by the Yorkshire terrier who wagged his tail so fast his whole arse end was moving.

He bent down and picked him up. Merlin was rewarded with plenty of licks to the face. He had hated it, but ever since Harry passed he didn’t have the heart to stop the dog.

“We have a play date on Saturday. Ye are getting a little pudgy and daddy would be upset with me if I let ye become unhealthy.” Merlin said and kissed the dog between his ears. He walked through the house making sure everything was locked.

He made his way upstairs to their bedroom. It had been 7 years since he had been in there, but he felt like being close to Harry tonight and he wasn’t sure why.

“You’d like this boy,” Merlin said aloud as he changed out of his clothes, Mr. Pickle jumped onto the bed and laid on Harry’s pillow. “I hadn’t realized how mad I still was or am. Ye left me.” He paused looking at the empty bed.

“Damnit Harry,” Merlin said a couple of tears escaping. He crawled under the covers and looked at the picture of himself and Harry from years ago. “I miss ye so much.” He whispered into the darkness.

Merlin sighed when he felt a warmth in his heart that felt like his Harry.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the wonderful feedback. This chapter came easily to me. I hope you can enjoy it. Next update may not be for awhile as these chapters are emotionally draining.
> 
> Much Love! xoxo

_***_

_“Eggsy?” Michelle called walking into the flat. JB ran up to her whining and jumping all over her. She hadn’t heard from her son and he usually called everyday. “Where’s your daddy?” She asked softly._

_JB whined once more and ran into the loo. Michelle followed him and almost passed out by the sight. Her son was unconscious on the tile floor._

_“Eggsy!” She shouted and crouched beside him trying to shake him awake. She dialed for an ambulance. Michelle kept shaking his shoulder and his eyes opened slightly. They were glazed over._

_She grabbed his face, “Eggsy, can you hear me?” He made a garbled sound._

_Within minutes Michelle was pushed back as paramedics surrounded her son. She slipped out of the room and called her husband._

_*_

_Eggsy woke to the smell of antiseptic and the sounds of machines beeping. He opened his eyes and felt anger course through him. He wasn’t supposed to be here. He was supposed to be with his daughter. He willed his eyes open and saw his parents asleep on a couch in the room. He shifted slightly causing his father’s eyes to open._

_Lee sat gently to not wake his wife. He stood and walked over to his now awake son, “How do you feel?”_

_"Better than I should,” Eggsy croaked. His father nodded his head a hard look in his eyes._

_"What were you thinking?” He asked in an angry whisper._

_Eggsy didn’t answer him._

_Lee looked his son over and resisted the urge to shout, “I won’t pretend to understand how you feel. I know I’d be fucked if we lost you. Eggsy, we lost her too.” He stopped to collect himself, “Do you think it would do anyone any good if you were gone too? Think of your mother. Me? Your friends? Everyone felt the loss of Daisy and still do.”_

_He didn’t look at his father as his eyes burned. It had been all too fresh still. They only buried her a month ago._

_“I think you need to move in with us,” Lee said and that had Eggsy’s head whipping to look at him._

_“Why? So you can track my every move? Make sure I don’t try to off myself again?” Eggsy snapped. “I lost my daughter. Life ain't worth much after that.”_

_Lee bit his lip, “I don’t want to lose my son. I lost my granddaughter. I can’t lose you too.” He admitted._

_Eggsy’s chest was tight with the loss of his child. He felt shame wash over him as he looked at his father. He had lost sight of their grief and hadn’t noticed it was eating his parents up. “I just miss her.” His voice broke and his dad held him close._

_***_

 

He sat up in bed pulling his knees close to his body. Eggsy waited until his heart rate slowed before getting out of bed. It was 5 in the morning. He dressed in his running clothes and set out into the cool October morning.

Eggsy ran, but he had a destination in mind. He stood in front of the gates of the cemetery. His breathing coming in huffs; he could see the steam of his breath in the air.

“I’m sorry,” He said out loud. “I know I haven’t been the best Daddy since...since…” He stopped and choked on a sob. “Since I buried you,” Eggsy whispered.

“Promise I’m going to come by,” He said. “I read that they let you plant flowers. I’m going to come by and plant some next spring. I’ve already decided on daisies for you.” Eggsy continued speaking to the closed gates. “I love you, flower.” He finished and kissed his hand and raised it up.

Once he had his bearings he began the run back home.

*

When he got home he saw his parent’s in the kitchen. He walked in and gave his dad a hug and a kiss. Moving around the counter he held his mum close and kissed her cheek.

“Good morning darling,” Michelle said and held her son close.

“I love you,” He whispered feeling his chest expand with emotion. Eggsy didn’t say it often. He pulled back and looked at his dad, “I love you too...both of you.”

Michelle smiled causing her face to crinkle. She rubbed Eggsy’s cheeks, “We love you too.”

Eggsy nodded his head and went to go shower and change to take JB on his walk. They were meeting Merlin today. On his way up the stairs he faintly heard his father ask his mother if he was okay. Yeah -- Eggsy thought to himself; he was working on being okay.

He sat on the bench he usually used after meetings and JB was on his leash seated in front of his feet. Eggsy had his hands in his pockets and felt someone sit next to him.

“Cute dog,” Merlin said as Mr. Pickle walked over to sniff JB’s arse.

“Yeah he’s alright,” Eggsy said with nothing but affection in his voice. He bent forward to pet Mr. Pickle, “Aren’t you cute.”

“Careful. Ye pet him enough and he’ll go home with ye.” He chuckled.

A few more pats to the Yorkie and he stopped. “Ready?” Eggsy said turning his attention to Merlin.

“Lead the way,” He extended his arm and stood as Eggsy got up and began to walk forward.

They made their way around the park twice in silence. Eggsy was still caught in his dream from last night.

“Ye look tired,” Merlin observed.

“Don’t sleep well some nights,” Eggsy said and stopped by a tree so JB could piss on it.

“They come less and less over time.”

Eggsy looked up at him, “What?”

Merlin’s mouth lifted at the corner, “The nightmares. Had them for awhile. Dreams that Harry was still here with me.” He shook his head.

They continued to walk. Eggsy grabbed the locket out of habit and rubbed it, “I can still feel her sometimes when I wake up. Like she’s crawled into bed with me.”

Merlin stopped and properly looked at Eggsy. He lifted his hand and debated for a moment before he placed it gently to Eggsy’s chest just over his heart, “She’s always with ye. If that’s one thing I’ve learned over the years is that they never truly leave us.”

Eggsy felt warmth spread over his chest. He wasn’t sure if it was from his words or the fact Merlin’s hand rested over his heart.

He dropped his hand and smiled, “So where is this coffee shop ye spoke of the other day?”

Smiling Eggsy led the way to Morton’s Grounds. 

* 

Eggsy walked out with two to-go cups and handed Merlin his. “Best coffee. I can’t believe you live so close and haven’t tried it.”

 Merlin took a sip and hummed with contentment, “I usually don’t drink more than one cup of coffee a day. Mostly tea and water the rest of the day.” He said as they continued their walk down the now busy street.

“I started to work there about 6 months ago and I’m hooked now. My parents think I’m crazy.” He laughed.

“What did ye do before this?” Merlin asked as the crossed the street heading back to the park.

“Was a school teacher,” Eggsy said and they sat at an available bench. The two dogs grateful for the break. They both curled together at their masters feet.

“Looks like they are buddies now,” Merlin observed and gave Mr. Pickle a loving stroke. He sat back and looked at Eggsy. “A school teacher? Why did ye stop?”

Eggsy began to play with the top to his cup, “Couldn’t go back.”

Merlin cocked his head to the side, but didn’t ask why.

“She went to school there. I had worked there for just over 5 years. Year 4 teacher.” He said and took another sip of his coffee. “Just a month after Daisy’s death I tried to off myself.” He admitted and looked at Merlin who didn’t seem to be judging him. His face was open and those kind hazel eyes stared back, “I wasn’t right for awhile. I guess I’m still not, but I’m trying.”

“It’s good to try. Ye know I didn’t walk into the bookstore for 3 years after Harry’s death. It reminded me of the man I had lost. It smelled of him.” Merlin paused and took a deep breath, “It still hurts to go there some days, but Harry would be upset if I stopped living life because he wasn’t here anymore. So I forged ahead.”

He nodded his head, “Forging ahead is hard.” Eggsy said.

“Aye that it is. It will be the hardest part, but ye can. Life moves on.” Merlin said.

“It sure does,” Eggsy agreed. He noticed Merlin look at his watch before he stood.

“I have to be off. I am needed at the bookstore. Stop by sometime. We do have other books,” Merlin smiled. “I did enjoy this. Maybe we could do this every Saturday?”

Eggsy smiled, “Yeah. That sounds aces, bruv.”

He bent down to give JB a pet, “Good to meet ye JB. Come on Mr. Pickle.” Merlin addressed the small dog and walked down the street.

He sat there for a bit longer before walking JB back home. Eggsy ended up carrying the pug halfway he was so tired.

*

_***_

_“Are you sure?” Eggsy asked holding his just 3 hour old daughter._

_Kelly didn’t look at him. She didn’t look at the small baby in his arms. “Yeah.” She hadn’t ever wanted to be a mother._

_Eggsy looked down at his daughter. She was so small. He was afraid she’d break with just the slightest movement. Kelly had already signed the papers that relinquished her parental rights._

_The baby cried softly and Eggsy shushed her and moved soothingly until she quieted. He placed a kiss to her small nose, “What should I call you?” He asked and his daughter squirmed._

_A nurse came into the room. “We have somewhere you can spend time with her. I know you mentioned your parents were here.” She addressed Eggsy._

_He gave Kelly one last glance and left. He followed the nurse and walked into the room. Eggsy sat in the rocker and moved back and forth. He began to hum._

_“You’re so pretty,” Eggsy said and smiled. “I think I’ll call you Daisy. Yeah. Do you like that?”_

_Daisy opened her eyes and looked around the room not seeing much beyond her father's face._

_“I know you can’t understand any of this yet, but I love you and I promise to take good care of you.” He murmured and kissed her soft cheek, “I promise to protect you.” Eggsy hadn’t known a love like this. No one could ever prepare you for the overwhelming love you would feel for your child._

_***_

 

He sat in his bed looking through the photo album he had filled with pictures of Daisy and himself. She would have been 7 today. Eggsy tried to picture what she would look like. He assumed not much different, but he always wondered how she would look as a teenager or an adult.

His chest was becoming tight with the emotion he felt as he looked through the book. He had stopped on a photo of her as a newborn. His father had taken it. Eggsy held her close and a bright smile on his face.

Touching it with a shaky hand he smiled. It had been a week since he ran to the cemetery. He had made a promise to his flower.

Eggsy got out of bed and set about to get ready for the day. Once showered and dressed he kissed is mum on the cheek and left the house.

He made the 4 kilometer walk to the flower shop and purchased a small bouquet of daisies. Eggsy made the remaining 6 kilometer walk to the cemetery and found himself standing in front of the open gates.

Fiddling nervously with the chain around his neck he walked through them. Just over 2 years since he had been here. His feet felt heavy with each step he took.

Eggsy didn’t need a guide to know where she was. He remembered even after the years had passed.

Soon he was standing in front of a headstone that had her beautiful face on it. He had forgotten his parents had had this done.

He brought his hand up and touched the cool surface where her face was.

 

_***_

_Eggsy stood among the crowd of people who were surrounded by the small casket. He didn’t see anything beyond it. He knew he was center of it all. Flanked by his parents; he felt his mum shaking with her sob beside him._

_He didn’t move. Eggsy wasn’t sure how much time had passed. People were beginning to say their condolences as they parted. He knew his parents had set up their home for the rest of the wake._

_“Eggsy,” His Dad said softly and touched his arm._

__Eggsy tore his eyes away from his girl to look at his father._ _

_“It’s time to go.” Lee said and his son was shaking his head. He noticed Eggsy was biting his lip. Gently he pulled it out from between his son’s teeth and noticed it was bleeding._

_“I can’t…” Eggsy said weakly. It was barely a whisper. He looked back and his mouth was trembling, “Promised I’d be with her forever. I can’t leave her alone.”_

_How could he leave his baby alone? He was standing there long enough that her casket was lowered into the ground._

_“We’ll see you home,” Lee said kissed him on the temple before gathering his wife to leave._

_Eggsy didn’t move. His whole heart was being buried._

_The space where his heart should have been felt empty._

_Before he knew it he was sitting on the ground. Soon it had begun to rain._

_He felt the drops stop and looked up. He saw his father standing over him with an umbrella._

_Lee sat next to his son and held the shelter over them._

_Eggsy was shaking from the cold and a sob he hadn’t realised was wracking through his body._

_“You’ll get sick,” Lee said._

_“I don’t care,” Eggsy said between a sob. He leaned into his father and cried._

_***_

 

Blinking a few times Eggsy realized he was gripping onto the head stone tightly. His other hand was crushing the daisies. He loosened his grip and sat gingerly on the grass. Eggsy wiped his face of the tears that had fallen.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been by.” He said, “I should have been better than that. Told you I wouldn’t ever leave you --” He stopped and inhaled deeply. “I did. I left you all alone here for 2 years. I’m sorry, flower.”

Eggsy realized he shouldn’t have done this on his own as he sat there a mess. “I lost myself for awhile. Working on getting back to where I was or close to it.” He placed the flowers down with shaky hands, “Brought some daisies...I miss you.” He whispered the last part.

He rocked back and forth holding his knees close to his chest. Wiping his face he felt something heavy in his jacket pocket.

“Oh,” He said. “I almost forgot.” Eggsy pulled out Daisy’s favorite book of the solar system. He opened it to a page he had marked years ago after reading Daisy to sleep.

“Figured it is your birthday today and maybe...I could read to you?” He asked and smiled as he looked over the book. “Happy Birthday, flower.” Eggsy said and began to read aloud to his daughter like he used to.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been quite some time since I have updated this story and while I had a free moment this came to mind.  
> We take a closer look at Merlin and his own ghosts. 
> 
> I do hope you all enjoy <3  
> Much Love <3 xoxo

_“Promise me something,” Harry said holding onto Merlin’s hand._

_“Anything,” He answered because at this point he’d move heaven and earth for his husband._

_“You won’t stop being you when I leave.”_

_Merlin frowned looking at his frail husband. How could he ask this of him? His world was dying and there was nothing he could do to stop it._

_Bringing a shaky hand up Harry cupped Merlin’s cheek, “Promise Merlin. I can’t leave knowing you’ll fade into nothing. There could be another person out there who may make you happy.”_

_“How could ye say that?” He whispered angrily feeling the sting of his tears forming in his eyes. “No one will make me as happy as ye do. It isn’t possible.”_

_“Merlin,” Harry said weakly._

_“Nae Harry. Ye want me to move on about life like my husband wasn’t ripped away from me. Watching ye fade away to nothing and...and ye think I could love another?” Anger was rippling off of him._

_“I don’t want to leave you,” Harry said._

_Merlin reigned in his temper as his husband began to tear up. He moved to sit on the hospital bed that was now in their spare room on the first floor._

_Harry placed his head on Merlin’s lap and closed his eyes as his husband’s hand stroked his hair._

_“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lose my temper. Just Harry, I can’t think of anyone else I'd want to be with after this. I love ye too much,” He choked._

_“As I love you,” Harry whispered and allowed his husband to hold him close._

 

Merlin woke with a start. Lying on his back his face and chest covered in sweat.

It had been a month or so since he had had a dream where Harry was sick. Most of the time he’d dream of him well and whole. Not fading away into nothing in front of his eyes.

Before he could stop himself a few tears slipped down his cheeks. He sat up and glanced at the clock: 6:12 in the morning.

Getting out of the bed he went to the loo and got into the shower.

He ran it cold forcing himself to focus on the pain of the icy water hitting his skin rather than the loss that felt like a gaping hole in his chest.

Once he was properly chilled he got out and towel dried himself.

Merlin dressed in a hunter green cable knit sweater with dark grey trousers. He glanced at the closet that he had yet to clean out and ran a hand over one of Harry’s cardigans.

Pulling it to his face he inhaled the scent and it still smelled of his husband after 7 years. Putting it back in its proper place he finished getting ready for the day.

Mr. Pickle was following him as he moved around the room.

Descending the stairs Merlin went into the kitchen. He gave the dog some water and kibble before making himself some oatmeal and tea.

Finishing his breakfast he took Mr. Pickle out in the gardens to do his business.

Merlin shivered a little against the cold December air. He looked to their gate and frowned. His husband would be displeased if he were here.

The condition of the wrought iron gate was sad. He had let it go over the years not properly treating it for the weather.

Making a mental note Merlin would fix it come spring. Calling the dog inside he locked up and went out the front door to make his way to the bookstore.

It was still early, but he figured maybe he’d stop at Morton’s Grounds on the way for a coffee.

Eggsy had turned him on to their dark roast.

He got into his car and made the trip there.

On his way, he saw Eggsy walking on the sidewalk. Stopping alongside a curb he rolled down his window just as Eggsy was about to pass, “Need a ride?”

Eggsy stopped and smiled when he saw who it was, “Nah I’m good. Thanks though.”

“It’s quite fridged out here. Ye could catch a cold.” Merlin saw the uncomfortable expression on the lads face as he shuffled his feet a bit.

“I don’t do cars bruv,” Eggsy admitted and shook his head. “Haven’t gotten in one since the accident.”

They heard a horn honk behind Merlin and he noticed how Eggsy flinched against the sound. He could see the puffs of mist from his breath in the cold come quicker.

Placing the car in park Merlin got out. The person who was behind him gave him the two-finger salute and went around.

“I’m okay,” Eggsy said his eyes somewhere else.

“Ye sure?”

Nodding his head Eggsy shoved his hands in his jacket pocket, “Gotta go. I’m opening this morning.” He said.

“I’ll be by. That coffee is very good,” That earned Merlin a smile from the young man.

“See you there then,” Eggsy said and began to walk up the street.

Merlin watched him for a moment and got back into his car driving to the coffee shop.

*

Eggsy was unlocking the door just as Merlin pulled up to the curb. He left it unlocked and figured he could hang about since they weren’t technically open for another hour.

He went into the back and got his apron and started to brew some of the coffee he knew Merlin had liked best.

While it dripped into the pot Eggsy walked around making sure all the tables were stocked and cleaned off. The bell over the door opened and Merlin strolled in.

“Sit anywhere I have a pot going,” Eggsy said going to grab some of the pastries that the bakery across the way had dropped off.

Merlin sat at the counter and watched as Eggsy loaded the case with all sorts of goodies.

“Ye never mentioned not being able to do vehicles,” He said as Eggsy poured him a cup.

“Not something I go around talking about,” Eggsy looked up at him with his own coffee. “Want a cranberry orange scone? They’re aces.”

“Sure.”

He plated one and popped it into the microwave. They tasted better warm.

“Here.” Eggsy hopped up on the back counter looking out the window. He felt Merlin’s eyes on him, “I tried once. Actually, it was the ride home from the hospital. Had no other way you know?” He paused and looked at Merlin who nodded his head for him to continue.

“So we were about 2 kilometers from my parents and there was an accident. It was minor, but the noise and everything just sent me back.” Eggsy closed his eyes remembering everything.

When he opened them again all he could see was the body of his daughter still and not smiling. Her skin cold and blue covered with assorted bruises. Because he wanted to see it for himself.

 

_“Eggsy,” His dad said placing a hand to his shoulder._

_He had already had help to get into the wheelchair, “I want to see her.”_

_Pressing his lips tightly together Lee didn’t say anything more._

_They wheeled Eggsy to where his daughter was. The room was cold and smelled of formaldehyde._

_Pulling the sheet back Eggsy stared at Daisy’s face._

_There was no color to her beside the purples and blues that marred her perfect skin._

_A hand was on his shoulder and he knew it was his father._

_Eggsy was just vaguely aware that he was crying. He covered his eyes unable to look at her._

 

He felt Merlin shaking his shoulders. Eggsy blinked and looked at him, “Sorry.” He whispered.

“Ye don’t have to talk about it,” Merlin reassured him and gave him a final squeeze and walked back around the counter.

Taking a shaky breath, “Just comes out of nowhere sometimes.” He said and gazed at Merlin who was giving him a knowing stare.

“Anyway. I can’t do it,” He shook his head. “I get major flashbacks and most times I’m thrown into a panic attack. I know it sounds like I don’t have my shit together and well honestly I don’t.”

“No one expects ye to snap back into yer old life like nothing happened. Ye lost yer child. I can’t imagine how that must feel, but I can understand what it’s like to lose someone ye love beyond measure.”

Eggsy nodded his head and glanced at the clock. He’d have to turn the open sign on in 30 minutes.

Placing money on the counter from his pocket Merlin stood, “I’ll be off. Ye will be at the meeting tonight?”

“Yeah,” Eggsy said and got off the counter shoving the money back at Merlin. “On the house, bruv.” He smiled.

“I owe ye one,” Merlin tipped his head and walked out.

*

_“Merlin,” Harry began._

_“Harry stocking a bookstore full of Arthurian books is insane. Ye want us to go bankrupt? Or have a thriving business.”_

_They had just begun to order their first stock of books for the store and Harry had 75% of the order consisting of the history of King Arthur and his knights._

_“Can’t it be 50%?” Harry begged as he followed Merlin through the store._

_“Nae Harry,” He was unpacking a few boxes of nicknacks they had bought to place around the space._

_Merlin felt his husband come up behind him and pull him against his chest. He was aware of a bulge in Harry’s trousers, “Sex will not give ye yer way.”_

_“Well, why not?” Harry asked playfully and nipped Merlin’s neck._

_Laughing he turned in Harry’s arms and gave him a slow kiss and Harry chuckled into the kiss._

 

Merlin sat in his office in the back of Kingsman Reads and he could still hear the ghost of Harry’s laughter.

Taking his glasses off he rubbed a hand over his face.

He leaned back in the chair and looked at the picture of him and Harry that still sat on his desk. He reached for it and ran his fingers over it smiling to himself.

*

Eggsy walked into the meeting and took his seat next to Merlin. He had stopped trying to be as close to the door as he could be.

Being most comfortable around Merlin.

He noticed how uncharacteristically quiet Merlin was.

The meeting was called and people began to share their stories and how they were moving past the grief or trying to. It came time for Eggsy to go and he squared off his shoulders.

“Had kind of a rough day. A flashback really of seeing my daughter for the first time after the accident,” He took a deep breath in and felt Merlin’s supportive hand on his knee. “Daisy was always a beautiful child, but I’d say that because I’m her father.” He laughed and so did everyone else

“But that didn’t look like my girl. She was always smiling and laughing. To see her there still and cold as ice...had to be the hardest thing to look at.” He smiled a little and fiddled with his thumbs, “Getting better at talking about her. I even went with my parents last month to her grave.” He looked around, “I’m trying. That’s all, thanks for letting me share.”

He turned to see Merlin struggle for his own words. Eggsy had never seen the man look so lost in the 8 months he had been coming here.

“Think I’m going to pass today,” Merlin said quietly.

Eggsy searched his face and came up empty.

When everyone had finished they all exited the building. Staying behind like he usually did Eggsy waited for Merlin.

“Ready?” He asked and Merlin nodded his head.

They walked to the park and stopped at a little shop grabbing two hot cocoas on the way. Dusting the bench off from the snow that had fallen they sat side by side.

Eggsy stayed quiet and watched their breath billow out into the air. He figured if Merlin wanted to talk about it he would.

“I miss him,” Merlin finally said and took a sip of the hot liquid. “One of the first nights I’ve dreamt of him sick and just..” He stopped and took a deep breath in, “I haven’t had one like that in some time.”

He wiped away the tear that fell and looked at Eggsy who was giving him a small smile, “He wanted me to find someone. I was so angry that he’d even suggest that.”

“Sounds like he hoped that you’d find happiness again,” Eggsy said and Merlin nodded his head.

“Aye, that was what he said,” Merlin agreed and looked up at the sky as snow began to fall.

A comfortable silence fell between them and Merlin leaned just enough that their shoulders were touching. He felt Eggsy relax into the contact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always I appreciate all of the feedback I get on this story. <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, dear readers! Finally had the ambition to finish this chapter. Had a brief period of a writer's block. Hope you enjoy this chapter.  
> Again thank you for all of the lovely comments, kudo's, bookmarks, subscriptions, and reads.
> 
> Much Love <3 xoxo

It was the 6th time Merlin had passed the box sitting in the living room. The floor creaked with his steps when he’d pass the telly. Listening to the soft click of Mr. Pickles nails hitting the hardwood. The dog had been following behind him the last hour.

Frowning as he passed the 7th time did he look at what it was marked as Christmas decorations. The holiday was 2 weeks away and Merlin had yet to bring himself to be able to set up the artificial tree and decorate.

Harry would be disappointed. It was his husband’s favorite holiday after all. He couldn’t do it. Merlin never really could. Last year he had set up the tree, but nothing else was done.

He had cried that time and avoided his living room at all costs. Stopping to stand at the empty space next to is fireplace where the tree would go. The crackling of the fire going and the silent breathing of Mr. Pickle who was sitting by his feet. He thought back to a time when this would have been a happy moment.

 

_“Oh come now. There’s no such thing as too many decorations,” Harry was hanging the tinsel to the tree and he looked over to Merlin who had a few strands hanging from his ears._

_“There is,” He countered taking the silver off of his person. Merlin made sure to place it on the table so Mr. Pickle couldn’t reach it._

_“How long have we been doing this and you still want to argue with me over the tree and how I decorate our home for the season?”_

_Rolling his eyes Merlin got up and hugged Harry from behind, “Don’t try to butter me up now.”_

_“And every year I help ye put it up and take it down.”_

_Harry leaned into the embrace and ran a hand over Merlin’s, “As a good husband should.”_

_“Pest.”_

_“You love it don’t even try to deny it. You wouldn’t have put up with me for this long if you hadn’t.”_

_Turning Harry to face him Merlin cupped his cheek and kissed him softly, “Truer words never spoken.” He murmured against his husband’s warm lips._

_Smiling Harry pulled away and turned on the stereo and ABBA began to sound through the speakers. Shaking his head as Harry grabbed his hands to swing him around to Dancing Queen._

_“This is_ nae _Christmas music,” He argued but laughed anyway._

_“Come on! We used to dance to this all the time,” Harry gave him a quick kiss and bounced around._

_“Ye used to ye mean,” Merlin smiled at his love and joined him in his twisting and bouncing. Holding each other's hands they spun around their living room with half a box of ornaments forgotten._

 

Blinking a few times Merlin swore he could hear their laughter. Standing there for a moment longer listening to nothing. The silence was deafening. He heard the floors settling and the familiar sound of the heat kicking on. A whooshing from the vents as the warm air blew through the house

“Care for a walk?” At his master's question, the dog tilted his head to the side and wagged his tail.

Taking his coat he hooked the leash onto the dog’s collar and left the house. It was snowing softly outside, a few flurries.

The sounds of cars passing sloshing through the slush on the roads. He didn’t have a destination in mind just needed to leave the too quiet house. He heard various bells ringing that the local shops had on their doors as he passed.

Merlin avoided overly cheerful people through his journey stopping so his dog could do his business along the way. He startled as Mr. Pickle began to bark and jump on a man who was leaving out of what smelled like a coffee shop.

“Mr. Pickle,” He chided but saw the stranger bend down and pet the dog. Except Merlin realized it wasn’t a stranger. It was Eggsy and he noticed he was about to pass Morton’s Grounds.

“Hey buddy,” Eggsy said and gave the Yorkshire Terrier a few more pats before standing straight. “Hey, Merlin.”

He stood there for a moment relieved to see a familiar face.

At his lost expression, Eggsy had a thought and disappeared back into the shop. Coming back out with two cuppas he handed one to Merlin, “Want some company on your walk?”

“Aye. I’d appreciate that lad,” Merlin said and took a sip of the hot coffee and sighed. He continued back towards his home again.

They walked in silence the whole way, Eggsy listened to their breathing as the roads began to quiet from cars as people headed home. He didn’t realize where they were headed until stopping in front of the small home.

“Ye dinnae have to come in if ye don’t want to,” Merlin said and didn’t mention he could use the company to fill the empty home. He didn’t have to as a small smile graced Eggsy’s lips.

“I wouldn’t pass up good company, mate.”

Merlin gave a slight nod and let the dog in first unhooking his leash. The familiar clank of metal against the key bowl and clip of the leash on the hook sounded as Eggsy walked in and closed the door.

He looked around at the various butterflies on the walls in frames. Some pictures of Merlin and what only could be his late husband. Walking into the front room his eyes fell onto the wedding photo placed on the fireplace mantel.

Eggsy thought they looked happy. He heard the click of Mr. Pickles nails on the hardwoods and saw him spin a few times before resting in his plaid bed.

“Make yerself at home,” Merlin appeared with two cuppas of tea and set them on the coffee table. The couch giving way at his weight with Eggsy sitting shortly after he did.

“How long have you lived here?” Eggsy wondered his eyes falling on a box labeled Christmas decorations.

“Oh, 20 years or so.”

Nodding his head Eggsy lifted the mug and blew the steam watching it whisp into the air. The smell of cinnamon spice filled his nose, “You plan to decorate for Christmas?”

“Thought about it,” Merlin admitted and drank his own tea. Silence fell over them. The only thing that could be heard was the wind blowing and the sound of their breathing.

“It was Harry’s favorite holiday,” He whispered staring at the still untouched box. Merlin felt Eggsy shift to look at him, “I was able to set the tree up last year. Couldn’t bring myself to do anything more.”

Turning his head he looked at Eggsy who was just staring thoughtfully at him, “I’m sure they’re things ye can’t do.”

“Yeah,” Eggsy agreed. “Was always meaning to visit the planetarium. Couldn’t bring myself to do it. Was something I was going to do with Daisy.” He felt a sting in his heart.

Merlin stood and dragged the decorations in front of him on the couch. He opened it up and grabbed the top ornament. Holding the Yorkshire Terrier with a Santa hat in his hand he felt a tear slip. A gentle hand was placed on his shoulder.

“If it would help. I’ll stay if you want to set things up,” Eggsy said quietly.

He didn’t say anything and just nodded his head. Merlin ran a thumb over the ornament that he had bought Harry their last Christmas together. Looking up he saw Eggsy start to set up the artificial tree. Shuffling forward he began to help.

*

“There’s only one more left,” Merlin said looking at the sole bulb in the box. It had our first Christmas on it with the year. The first ornament that Harry and Merlin got together.

Reaching in with a shaky hand Merlin took it out. He turned to gaze at the put together tree.

Harry would be proud. Closing his eyes and placing it close to his heart he opened them to see Eggsy standing next to him.

“If it’s -“ Eggsy began to say but Merlin shook his head.

“Nae. I need to do this. He told me he wanted me to go on with life and keeping this all locked away isn’t moving on,” His voice dropped to a whisper not caring tears ran freely down his cheeks. Taking the hook he placed it in the center where everyone could see.

“I gather Daisy would want ye to do the same,” Merlin said not looking at Eggsy.

“Yeah. You’re right,” He murmured and stood closer to Merlin their arms touching.

Merlin paced a tentative arm around Eggsy’s shoulder and gave him a half hug, “I really appreciate ye being here. It helped.”

Eggsy returned the hug, “Anything for a friend.” Stepping forward he tapped the moon ornament, “Should hang Daisy’s ornaments again.”

“When ye are ready.”

He turned to Merlin, “That’s what everyone keeps saying. When I’m ready. But...is anyone ever ready? How can I be ready? I know it’s been 2 years, but that’s my daughter. I know…” Eggsy paused and took in a shaky breath willing the tears to stop, “I know she’s never coming back. Just sometimes. When I think of donating her clothes and stuffed animals or parting with anything she held close. I just think that I’m saying goodbye to her. Like leaving her.”

“Come here,” Merlin said and led Eggsy to his room. He walked to his closet the screech of the door sliding was louder in the quiet room. He stepped aside and let Eggsy look in.

Scrunching his face in confusion as Eggsy looked over various articles of clothing, “Harry’s clothes. It’s been over 7 years and I haven’t cleaned it out. I understand what ye mean. But ye are right. They’re not coming back,” Merlin choked on the last sentence and started to remove clothes.

Bringing a hand up he touched Merlin’s arm, “Mate. That doesn’t mean you have to do it now. I can come back and help you this week. Maybe,” Eggsy paused and closed his eyes, “Maybe you can help me with Daisy’s? Plenty of little girls out there in need of clothes, yeah?”

He smiled at Eggsy and put the hanger back that he was holding, “This Friday. I’ll supply take out.”

“Okay.”

*

Eggsy wasn’t sure what he was doing standing in front of Merlin’s door JB’s leash in hand and a tray with two cuppas of coffee from work. But he had promised a friend to help. Lifting his knuckles to the door he knocked.

Smiling when he saw Eggsy standing there, “Well hello JB, I’m sure Mr. Pickle would enjoy a friend today.” Merlin bent down and unhooked JB’s leash allowing him to go in and explore.

“Let me take that,” He grabbed the coffees and stepped aside for Eggsy to come in.

Taking his boots off he hung his coat on the hook beside the door. The house smelled of Christmas, cinnamon and greenery filled the home. He couldn’t help the smile that graced his face as he noticed the banister adorned with garland and twinkling lights.

“Added a few more touches,” Merlin mused passing by heading to the kitchen.

“It looks lovely,” Eggsy followed.

“What is yer favorite place for takeout? Figured we could get started and if I knew what ye liked I could place an order ahead.”

“I’m not real picky bruv,” He said looking around the kitchen. It was bright. Soft yellows and whites.

“I’m partial to Thai,” Merlin offered.

“Curry chicken is my favorite.”

He watched as Merlin placed an order for around 7. He took his cuppa and sipped at the caramel macchiato latte. Eggsy wasn’t in the mood for anything really bitter. Figured something sweet would suit what they were about to do.

“Alright. We are all set. Let’s go,” Merlin said and went towards their bedroom. He stood in front of the open closest. A box already out and ready. He wasn’t sure he could do this.

 

_“Don’t you dare be one of those husband’s who keeps my clothes,” Harry said._

_It pained Merlin to hear him talk now. His voice breathy and quiet._

_Merlin wasn’t sure he could really look at him anymore it hurt to see him like that. He still thought his husband was the most handsome man on the planet. Even now with his bald head and thin frail frame._

_“Stop looking at me like that.”_

_He blinked and hadn’t realized he was staring, “Sorry.” It was a piss poor answer. What else was he supposed to say? Stay? Don’t leave me?_ I can’t _lose you?_

_“Promise.”_

_“I_ cannae _make promises Harry. Please. Don’t make me promise these things. I don’t know what I’ll do when it comes…” He stopped feeling his composure slip. Swallowing hard, “I just can’t.”_

_Harry’s face softened, “Come here.” He held his arms out and held Merlin close. “I’ll never truly leave you.” Placing a shaky hand over his husband’s heart, “I’ll always be here.”_

_Merlin couldn’t hear anymore as he sobbed into the crook of Harry’s neck, “It isn’t enough.”_

_He held him as tightly as he could, “It will have to be. Until we see each other again. Make it enough.” Harry pulled back to look at Merlin, “But you really need to donate my clothes. There will be men in need of good style.” He smiled._

_And despite_ it _all Merlin laughed, “Peacock.”_

 

He hadn’t noticed he was holding Harry’s favorite cardigan close until Eggsy touched his arm. Turning to look at him with wet eyes, “Said someone else may need his sense of style. Even on his deathbed the peacock was making jokes.” He smiled and hugged it close before folding the article of clothing and placing it into the box.

Eggsy stayed quiet helping Merlin fold and put the clothes away. He just let him talk and cry when he needed to.

“Oh Jesus,” Merlin said pulling out the pair of oxfords and running a hand over the still shiny leather. “The man cringed every time I wore my brogues.” He laughed, “But he never made me change. Always supported whatever I chose to wear. Even when I went to his sister’s wedding in a kilt. His mother almost had a stroke.”

“Wouldn’t change a thing about you. You are a great man just you being you, Merlin.”

“Thanks. Harry thought so too. Especially when he found out I didn’t have anything on under the kilt. He was a horny bastard.”

That had Eggsy laughing. They were down to the last bit of clothes.

“Lad I dinnae know how much to thank ye.”

Shrugging as he taped up the last box, “You’re welcome.”

Merlin smiled and touched Eggsy’s shoulder giving it a squeeze, “Thank you.”

“Anytime. Really,” He placed his hand over Merlin’s and gave it a pat before standing.

They loaded Merlin’s car to take everything to a thrift shop. As they made their way up to the house the takeout arrived.

Tipping the delivery man Merlin brought everything into the living room. Grabbing plates and utensils, “Want anything to drink? I have some fizzy in the fridge.”

“Yeah that’s fine,” He said and plated food.

Accepting the drink offered they sat in silence and ate. Eggsy saw Merlin sneak Mr. Pickle and JB some food.

“You don’t seem the type to feed your dog scraps,” Eggsy mused and forked some more chicken.

“Never used to be. Harry was the culprit. I’d yell at him. I find I do things he used to do. Maybe it’s like having him here still I’m not sure.”

“I hear that.”

“Ye ever find yerself doing things yer daughter would do?”

Eggsy nodded his head, “I sleep with her favorite teddy every night.” He blushed a little embarrassed, “I know. I’m 30 years old and sleep with a teddy bear.”

A hand placed on his thigh, “Never need to be embarrassed around me lad. I understand. Makes ye feel close to her.”

“Not close enough,” Eggsy whispered.

“Nae. Because we long to still hold them in our arms. I swear some nights I can feel the warmth of him next to me.”

Wiping his face off, “Next Friday. My place.”

“Don’t ye live with yer parents?”

“I do, but I never got rid of my home. My mum and dad think it’s silly, but someday I’m hoping to be on my own again.”

“That must cost ye though,” Merlin said.

Shaking his head, “Had a savings and I make decent tips at the coffee shop.”

Eggsy stood and called JB to him, “Thanks for dinner.”

Merlin followed him to the door, “Anytime. Thank ye for yer help. I know Harry would be proud I actually did it.” He didn’t say Harry would also be happy he was moving forward.

A bright smile broke on Eggsy’s face, “It’s no problem. Take my number. I’ll text you the address of my flat and time.” He took Merlin’s offered phone and added the contact and sent himself a quick text so he could save Merlin’s.

“Next Friday,” Eggsy said and went to turn out the door.

“Eggsy,” Merlin said and when he turned he walked up and gave him a soft hug. His heart swelled when the lad hugged him back. Stepping away, “Stay warm okay?”

“I will,” Eggsy promised and walked away.

Watching from the door until he disappeared down the street Merlin closed it and locked up. As he cleaned their dinner mess he swore he could hear Harry humming in approval.

The ghost of a hand touched his heart and he placed his own palm there, “I’ll never forget ye, Harry.” Merlin whispered and turned on ABBA.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another update. Had it on the brain. Hope you all enjoy <3
> 
> Much Love <3 xoxo

Eggsy stood in his living area. It looked like nothing had changed. Daisy’s play area in the corner still sat with a small table and chair. Various toys and coloring items on top.

He should have waited for Merlin before coming here. Or brought his mum. Because he found himself on the floor hugging one of her favorite baby dolls close.

A tear fell and he let his eyes fall on the photos that adorned the walls. Pictures of himself and Daisy when she was a baby. Some of his parents. A collage of 6 photos of just Daisy.

How could he part with these things? The flat still smelled of her.

Standing up Eggsy walked with heavy feet into her room. He stood just inside the doorway.

 

_“Can we paint my room yellow, Daddy?” Daisy asked while they looked over various colors of pink swatches Eggsy had picked up on the way home._

_“Whatever color you want, flower. It’s your room.”_

_She pursed her small lips, “A light yellow.”_

_Grabbing his laptop he typed into the search engine. Finding the store he would get the paint from he turned it so she could see._

_“That one,” Daisy pointed to a soft yellow called honeypot._

_“Okay,” Eggsy said. “So does this mean you don’t want a princess themed room anymore?” He was decorating her room for her 5th birthday._

_“Princesses can like yellow too Daddy,” She rolled her eyes. “Like Belle from beauty and the beast.”_

_Smiling, “Silly me.” He said and tickled her._

_“No! Stop,” She laughed breathlessly._

 

He could still hear her laughter echoing through the room. Eggsy jumped when he heard a knock on the door.

Taking long strides he opened it to see Merlin standing there, “Brought coffee.” He said and stepped in when Eggsy moved aside.

He looked around and noticed the place looked as if people still lived here. Merlin didn’t say anything when he noticed Eggsy’s eyes were red rimmed and a little puffy.

Grabbing a stack of boxes off of the kitchen table Eggsy went back to the front room and put one together. He felt Merlin crouch beside him and start to fill it with toys from his little girl.

Eggsy didn’t realize how hard it would be to touch the things that Daisy had played with years ago. He tried to keep his composure. He knew Merlin wouldn’t judge him if he couldn’t.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” It was a choked whisper. He felt a hand against his back. No amount of comfort would help him right now. It was too soon perhaps.

“Can take a break?” Merlin suggested and only furrowed his brow when Eggsy shook his head no.

“I can’t hold onto this stuff,” He realized the lad was crying.

“It’s okay, Eggsy. If ye can’t do it today.”

Looking around they had filled a box with toys. Eggsy reached up and grabbed the locket that always sat around his neck, “Have I ever showed you pictures of her?” Before Merlin answered he stood.

“Nae. Ye have not,” Merlin watched him take a photo off of the entertainment center and bring it over.

Eggsy wiped his eyes and sat back down, “She was 2 here. My little peanut.” He passed the frame.

“Beautiful,” Merlin said and he meant it. Eggsy’s daughter was a beautiful little girl.

“Yeah,” Eggsy agreed. “I never asked to be a Dad. It just happened. I know I’ve told you the story, but mate. Once it happened. I can’t imagine a life where I won’t be her Daddy.” Shaking his head, “I don’t want to let her go.” It was a hushed sob.

There were no right words Merlin could say to comfort the younger man beside him. So he placed the photo down gently and pulled Eggsy close. Allowing him to soak his jumper.

“Ye won’t ever stop being her father just because she isn’t here,” Merlin rocked him gently.

Sitting up Eggsy ran the back of his hand over his face, “I know.” And he did.

With shaky hands, he lifted the photo. Daisy smiled brightly showing off her paint covered hands. A project he was working on with her for his Dad for his birthday.

 

_“Paint!” Daisy squealed when her father laid out a white sheet._

_“Yes, my flower. We are going to make Papa a shirt for his birthday.”_

_Eggsy gazed at her with affection as his little girl began to bounce up and down clapping her small hands. He made sure to dress himself and Daisy in clothes that he didn’t care if they got stained with paint._

_Laying the white shirt flat Eggsy squeezed assorted colors onto a tray and let Daisy coat her hands in the colors._

_He helped her with the first few until she became impatient and pulled away to stamp as many of her prints onto the shirt as possible. Sitting back on his heels Eggsy watched her._

_“Daddy! Look! Red, Daddy!” She held her hands up to his face and Eggsy almost ended up with a red nose._

_“Very good flower. Hold still a minute. Daddy wants to take a picture of you,” He fished his phone out of his pocket and captured the moment._

_Just in time too as once the phone clicked Daisy pounced on him and covered his left cheek in red paint. Smiling brightly, “Daddy pretty now.”_

_Unable to help himself Eggsy hugged her close, “Not as pretty as you.” He poked her nose which only caused her to giggle._

 

“Eggsy,” Merlin said gently touching his arm.

“My Dad still has the shirt,” He whispered. “Won’t wear it. And I know it’s because of me. He had it on one day and I lost it. I don’t want my parents afraid to use the things she made.” Eggsy stood and in 5 strides was at a cupboard pulling out a mug with Daisy’s face on it. It was a gift from her one Christmas that he knew his mum had helped with.

“I have to try,” He said and choked back a sob. Eggsy knew he had to try to move forward.

Merlin watched from where he sat as Eggsy held the mug close and walked back over, “We fill another box and then come back tomorrow.” Nodding his head Merlin began to place more toys in the second box.

Eggsy slowly began to help and before long it was filled with more of his daughter’s toys. He pulled his knees close to his chest as Merlin taped the box up and marked it.

“Ye did good,” Merlin said turning to him. The lad looked heartbroken.

“I need to do better,” He whispered.

Scooting closer Merlin placed an arm around his shoulder, “Ye will. Ye are. Don’t ever doubt that ye aren’t doing better, Eggsy. Little steps. Ye haven’t been here in well over 2 years. Be easy on yerself.”

Nodding his head Eggsy leaned further into the embrace. He just let their steady breathing and the soft strokes of Merlin’s hand over his arm soothe him.

*

Eggsy woke to the sound of bacon frying in a pan. Sitting up straight he realized he was still at his flat. His back hurt and it could have been because he had slept on a floor all night. Slowly getting up he stretched and saw Merlin cooking.

“Did you leave?” He wondered and took a seat at the table.

“Nae. Ye had fallen asleep before long. I made due. Figured it wouldn’t be a good idea to leave ye here alone.”

His heart swelled from the sudden confession of concern from Merlin, “I appreciate that.”

“I gather ye would have done the same,” He brought two plates over and saw Eggsy nod.

They ate in silence and Merlin waited patiently to see if they would be continuing with the packing or calling it quits.

“Figured we could try to get the rest of the toys? She has some more in her room,” Eggsy said taking his empty dish and Merlin’s.

“Whatever ye feel ye can do. I’m here for ye.”

He smiled and then frowned when a knock sounded at the door. Eggsy opened it to see his parents standing there.

“We’ll help,” His dad spoke first. Eggsy blinked at the two and moved away so they could come in.

“Did you call them?” Eggsy asked Merlin.

“Nae. But yer mum called. Was quite worried about ye.”

Eggsy came to stand beside his parent’s who were gazing at the pictures of him and Daisy.

“This is still my favorite,” Lee said touching the frame that held his son and granddaughter smiling in their backyard. He hadn’t realized a tear had slipped until his wife wiped it away.

“You guys don’t have to,” Eggsy said in a hushed voice. His parents turned to look at him.

“Family helps family. We miss her too,” Michelle said and hugged Eggsy close.

Merlin looked at the scene before him, “I’ll take leave now.”

“No,” Eggsy said. He grabbed Merlin’s hand, “I need you too.”

“Okay,” Merlin smiled and followed into Daisy’s room.

With the four of them working together they were able to pack up all of Daisy’s toys and all of her clothes. The men talked of moving out the furniture and donating it. After awhile Eggsy’s parent’s left to get pizza.

“Thank you,” It had been the tenth time Eggsy had said it.

“It’s no problem I told ye that.”

Eggsy smiled and gave Merlin a big hug.

*

Christmas had finally arrived and Merlin stayed in bed longer than he usually did. He even let Mr. Pickle sleep with him the night before. Running a lazy hand over his dog’s hair he listened to the settling of the home.

 

_“Happy Christmas,” Harry whispered against his neck._

_Smiling as his husband placed gentle kisses over his neck and down his chest. Merlin ran a hand through Harry’s hair as he headed south._

_“I think I want a Christmas sausage this morning.”_

_Merlin began to laugh as Harry removed his bottoms. Lifting his hips to make the work easier on his husband._

_“Well someone is excited to see me this morning,” Harry said and kissed the tip of Merlin’s cock. He smiled when his husband shuddered from the contact._

_“Always excited for ye love,” Merlin said voice still rough with sleep. He let out a soft gasp as Harry took him completely in his mouth._

 

Merlin sighed to himself and hoisted out of the bed. Not rushing to get ready for the day he kept his pajama bottoms on and tossed on a sweater.

Heading to the kitchen Merlin wished the coffee pot would start itself, but knowing it wouldn’t he set out to make some.

He found himself cooking breakfast like he usually did on Christmas morning when Harry was still alive. He wished his body would forget that it was just him now and not his other half as well. Merlin found he made enough french toast for two people.

Not wanting to let it go to waste he ate it all. Feeling entirely too full Merlin lounged on the couch and watched one of Harry’s favorite films.

Merlin hadn’t realized he fell asleep until he heard someone at the door. Mr. Pickle started to bark and ran to the front. He sat up and ran a hand over his face. Hearing another rap at the door, “I’m coming.”

He wasn’t entirely sure who would be here on Christmas day. Opening the door he saw Eggsy standing there with JB. The lad's hands were full of what appeared to be gifts, “Can I come in?” He sounded hopeful.

“Of course.”

Eggsy entered and made sure to rid himself of his boots and coat, “Happy Christmas.”

“Happy Christmas to ye too. Shouldn’t ye be with yer parents?”

Shrugging as he sat on the couch, “I was. Had some things to bring over. Here.” He handed Merlin the gifts he had carried in.

“Lad,” Merlin began but was too choked up with emotion to finish.

One of the gifts was labeled for Mr. Pickle. It was a plush squeak toy and a new sweater for him, “Look what ye got.” He handed the toy off to the dog.

“Ye didn’t have to,” Merlin was trying to keep a straight face, but finding it hard from Eggsy’s gift giving.

“I know. Look I didn’t get them all. I got one and my parents sent me with something for you.”

Scrunching his face in confusion he looked to Eggsy. “My mum and Dad want to thank you. For helping me. Look I wasn’t right for a while and I’m still not, but I’m getting better and I couldn’t have done any of that alone.”

“It was really nae a problem. They didn’t have to do anything,” Merlin tried to argue but a gift was shoved in his hands nonetheless. With a sigh, he looked inside the small gift bag and smiled when he pulled out an ornament in the shape of books.

“They know you own a bookstore,” Eggsy supplied.

“Ye have good parents,” Merlin mused.

“I know,” Eggsy agreed and handed him the last gift.

“From ye I assume?” Eggsy nodded his head waiting for him to open it. It was an envelope and had a pass to the planetarium in it.

“My mum gave me them. She said it was time I went in memory of Daisy. I didn’t understand why she purchased two and I figured it out. If there’s one person who I’d want to go with me it’d be you. I understand if you don’t want to go.”

Merlin ran a hand over the paper, “I’ll go with ye of course.” He whispered.

“Aces,” Eggsy said and gave Mr. Pickle a pet. “I’ll leave now. Just wanted to bring them over.”

He didn’t say anything until Eggsy was by the door, “Ye can stay.” Merlin paused, “It may not be much compared to what yer mum must be cooking, but I have stuff for a lasagna that Harry had loved.”

A slow smile pulled at Eggsy’s lips, “Yeah, mate. Wouldn’t turn down good company.” And the lasagna was good.

The two spent the rest of the Holiday watching cliched Christmas movies and talking about Harry and Daisy.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been awhile since I updated this story. Woke up with this on my mind. Hope you all enjoy <3.
> 
> Much Love <3 xoxo

_It was a clear night in August. The warm breeze blowing through. Situated on a duvet staring up at the sky in Hyde Park, Eggsy had Daisy curled next to him. A protective arm around his girl._

_“Where’s the Big Dipper?” Daisy asked._

_Eggsy looked up searching until he found it, “Right there.” He pointed up and traced it in the air with his finger._

_Spotting the Little Dipper, Eggsy pointed to that as well, “And that’s the Little Dipper.” He smiled when he heard a soft gasp from his daughter._

_“It’s like a Daddy and a daughter,” Daisy said in wonder and copied her father tracing the shape with her finger._

_“Like you and me,” she looked up at him. “Right, Daddy?”_

_His heart swelled and Eggsy leaned over to kiss the top of her head, “Yeah, flower. Like you and me.”_

_He smiled when she let out a yawn and shortly her soft snores filled the air._

 

Eggsy pulled over a sweater and dressed in jeans. Merlin would be over shortly to head to the Peter Harrison Planetarium. They were going to attend the 1:15 Saturday show of ‘Meet the Neighbors’.

It was supposed to showcase a complete tour of the solar system and take a guide through the neighbors of our galaxy. He smoothed the front of the material out and went downstairs.

He could hear the noise of his parents talking and the excited bark from JB. His friend must be here. Rounding the corner he saw Merlin in a plaid peacoat and a black flat cap. The man was clearly dressed for the January weather.

“Hey,” Eggsy smiled and grabbed his own winter jacket. He wrapped his scarf around his neck and gave his mum a kiss on the cheek when she approached him.

“You’ll tell me how it is?” Michelle asked and helped button Eggsy up.

“Mum,” Eggsy complained a little over the fuss.

“Hush. Still your mum no matter how old you get,” She sighed and smoothed the collar. Placing her hands gently on his cheeks, “Have a good time, yeah?” She left for Daisy unsaid, but it lingered in the air between them.

“I will,” Eggsy promised and gave her a final goodbye before heading out.

“It’s not too bad out,” Merlin commented on the temperature as they walked.

Lifting his face up to the sun eyes squinting against the brightness, Eggsy figured it could be cooler. “The sun makes it warmer.”

“Aye,” Merlin agreed.

A comfortable silence fell between them as they walked side by side. Their arms brushing against one another and occasionally a hand touched the other. They smiled at passerby’s as they made their way to Greenwich Park.

On the way, they stopped at Morton’s Grounds for a cuppa. Eggsy held his between his hands warming them.

“Read this was supposed to be a good show,” Merlin said breaking the silence.

“Yeah,” Eggsy said quietly. “Was going to take Daisy to this one. It’s 5 and up so she could have gone. Besides she knew most of the stuff they would talk about anyway. I blame my mum and the books she bought her.”

Merlin smiled and took a sip of his drink, “Nothing wrong with having a smart lass.”

The statement made his heart ache, “She was really smart.” Eggsy said with affection.

*

They arrived 20 minutes early and were able to take a look around before being notified they could have a seat. Sitting side by side they gazed up at the dome, it was dark but shown with bright stars.

“Feel like I’m really under them,” Eggsy murmured and saw the Big and Little Dipper. “Look.” He pointed out causing Merlin to follow his gaze.

“We were out in Hyde Park one night just stargazing and I pointed it out to Daisy. She was so cute,” Eggsy laughed a little and felt his eyes burn with unshed tears. “She told me it was her and I. Like a Daddy and his daughter.”

Merlin could hear the emotion in the lad's voice and wondered if maybe it was too soon to come. But he knew that Eggsy wanted to do this in memory for his girl. Not thinking he grabbed Eggsy’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

The room was filling in with other people and an astronaut by the name of Jane introduced herself. They sat and listened to her explain all of the planets in the solar system and when she began to talk about Uranus, Eggsy pulled just a little at Merlin’s hand.

He leaned in his lips close to Merlin’s ear, “It was Daisy’s favorite.”

Nodding his head Merlin smiled. And when it came time to vote on the planet everyone wanted to explore more in detail Merlin voted for Daisy’s favorite. He watched Eggsy’s face light up when that one was picked.

He heard soft gasps and noises of wonder come from Eggsy. Merlin noticed an occasional tear slip while they watched the screen above them change with each new adventure they were taken on throughout the show.

The show lasted 2 hours and neither man let go of each other's hand.

*

They were on their bench they usually frequented after grief meetings. Their shoulders touching. It was heading into the evening and the sun was starting to set.

“Ever wonder what life would be like if they were still here?” Eggsy asked not meeting Merlin’s gaze.

“All the time,” Merlin said.

“Me too,” He sighed. “I try to think what she would look like. Sometimes I try to picture how she would be as a teenager or an adult. All the things I’ll miss. All the stuff she’ll never get to experience,” Eggsy tried to gather his emotions. Knowing it wasn’t good to head down this road after the lovely time he had with Merlin.

“Harry was so right,” Merlin muttered. “Ye dinnae need to stop living because they are not. He told me once that I should live enough for the both of us.” He chuckled, “That man was always saying something that made ye think.”

Eggsy nodded his head, “He sounded smart. Just wish I could live by that.”

Bringing an arm around his shoulder, “But ye are. Ye just went to a place that yer daughter would enjoy. Ye are living for her too.” Merlin gave him a squeeze.

Sniffling, “Guess so.” Eggsy said quietly.

The sky was almost dark when Eggsy’s stomach growled at him, “Hey. What do you say to pizza? I’m starving.”

Smiling down at him, “Yeah. Let’s go.” Merlin said standing.

*

_“It’s okay,” Harry said._

_This wasn’t the usual dream Merlin was used to. He had thought to himself. His husband was there but wasn’t. Almost fading. It hurt Merlin’s heart, but not in the way when he had died. It felt like his love was saying goodbye._

_“It will be fine,” Harry approached Merlin and touched his face._

_The touch tingled. It didn’t feel like the warm caresses he was used to. Almost like Harry was moving on._

_A nod of his head, “You know I love you and I always will. But don’t close off your heart, Merlin. It’s so big and wonderful.” Harry whispered and placed a hand over Merlin’s chest where his heart was._

_“I dinnae understand,” Merlin said confused._

_Harry smiled sadly at him his form beginning to become less solid and more see-through, “You’re a smart man. You’ll figure it out and when you do, remember,” He said and added. “I’ll always love you no matter what.” And he was gone._

 

Merlin woke with the feeling of Harry around him. He couldn’t understand what that dream meant. Scrunching his face in confusion he groaned and wiped a hand over removing the sleep from his eyes.

The clock read 20 after 6. He figured he might as well get up and start his day.

Not feeling like making himself some coffee he took Mr. Pickle out back and made sure the dog had food and water before locking the house up.

He sat in front of Morton’s Grounds hoping to find Eggsy opening the shop. It took everything in him to stay put in the car until it was 8 am. Walking in he smiled when he saw Eggsy starting a pot to brew, “Just a second.” He called over his shoulder.

Merlin took a seat at the counter, “Hope ye have that dark roast started.” He said and chuckled when Eggsy jumped.

“Bloody hell,” Eggsy said holding his chest. “You could have given me a heart attack.” He moved about getting a cup and filled it with the coffee Merlin liked.

“We have these new sticky buns in. They’re aces,” Eggsy said already grabbing one and warming it. He could feel Merlin’s eyes on him.

“Not working at the bookstore?” He asked breaking the silence.

“I have another sales clerk opening it on Wednesday’s,” Merlin said after drinking some of the dark liquid. The warmth felt good going down his throat.

He handed Merlin the plate and rested his hands on the counter, “What are your plans for today?” Eggsy asked tilting his head to the side.

“Probably go to work for a bit and sit home wishing Harry was here,” He said honestly. It was Valentine's Day and it was the 8th one without his husband around.

“Oh,” Eggsy said softly and cringed. “Sorry. Didn’t really remember what today was.” And it was true. He hadn’t celebrated Valentine’s Day in years.

Last time he went out Daisy was 3 and the bloke commented on his distaste for children. That had done it right there for Eggsy.

“Ye dinnae have plans?” He wondered.

“Nah,” He shook his head. “Never really did much for the holiday. Would get Daisy some chocolate. My mum a rose. But haven’t been on a date in years.”

Fiddling with the rim of his cup, Merlin had an idea. “Since neither of us has anyone to spend it with. Would ye be interested in maybe coming over? Harry told me I made a decent spaghetti sauce.”

Eggsy searched the other man’s face and pursed his lips, “Yeah. I can swing by the store and grab something. Anything you don’t like as far as desserts are concerned?”

“I like anything chocolate,” Merlin said and left money on the counter and before Eggsy tried to push it back at him he went through the door.

*

It wasn’t exactly what anyone would call a date. At least not to Eggsy’s standards. He knew he was just here to support his friend on what could be one of the hardest days of the year for him.

That was the only good thing for Eggsy, he didn’t have an attachment to someone like that and it was just another day. In fact, he had never been in love before.

Merlin had looked at him puzzled how Eggsy could go 30 years of life and not experience what love was, “I love my parents and my daughter.” He shrugged.

“Being in love with someone else is an entirely different lad,” Merlin tried to put it into words. “It’s like ye think ye can’t breathe without them there. Ye are sad when they are gone and even if they’re in another room it’s like ye need them there to fill the void.”

Later that night when Merlin said his goodbyes to Eggsy and he felt the silence and loneliness surround him, did he begin to understand what Harry meant. His heart beat hard against his chest at the realization of what he was feeling.

Going into the liquor cabinet he grabbed the brandy and poured himself a dram. Taking the shot he helped himself to another.

“Nae, it is not what ye are implying Harry,” Merlin said aloud and had another drink. It was as if Harry was in their dining room with him snickering at Merlin.

He was 5 shots in when he stumbled into the front room and curled himself on the couch hugging one of Harry’s favorite cardigans close. He had kept one, “This means I’d let ye go.” Merlin whispered.

Knowing better than to think that, but logic wasn’t on Merlin’s side as his head spun with the effects of the alcohol consumed.

A few tears streaked his face, “Promised I would love ye forever.” He hiccupped and no matter what was happening, Merlin would always love Harry.

He already knew what this felt like so it wasn’t hard for him to recognize it when Eggsy left and a void filled Merlin’s heart. He supposed he should have seen it coming with all the time they had spent together, all the intimate moments they had shared mourning their loved ones.

Allowing the feeling of his buzz pulling him into sleep, Merlin fell asleep in the fetal position on the couch.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wasn't going to write, but my mood kind of assisted with the ambition to write something for this story. Hope you all enjoy <3.
> 
> Much Love <3 xoxo

March 21st was one of the few days that could debilitate Merlin to the point where getting out of bed was hard. He knew better. It had been 8 years. He made sure to take it off and not leave the house.

It was unhealthy to say the least. And with the way he had been spending so much time with Eggsy, he worried his absence would cause alarm to the lad. It had occurred to him that he never did share the anniversary of Harry’s death with him.

His phone had buzzed a few times. Merlin wasn’t exactly sure how much time had passed. It could have been 4 in the afternoon and he wouldn’t have known it.

Around 8 in the morning he knew enough to feed and care for Mr. Pickle. Eventually, he retired back into bed. One would think 8 years and the sting of the loss would go away. But it didn’t.

Living without Harry was becoming easier each day, that much he could admit to. But the anniversary of the day his husband had taken his last breath? Was entirely too much to handle and maybe he shouldn’t do it alone.

The newfound feelings he had just over a month for Eggsy made it harder to not reach out and ask for him to be there. He wondered idly if there was a shot that they could be an anything. Merlin wasn’t asking marriage, hell he wasn’t sure he was capable of that again.

Allowing his selfish desires to take over and the need in his heart to have someone close won out. He picked up his phone and texted Eggsy. It didn’t surprise him that the text was quickly coming.

The lad was at work with the promise to be right over as soon as his shift ended. Sighing to himself Merlin rolled onto his stomach a buried his face into his pillow. His husband would be so upset with how he was behaving.

 

_“I’m tired,” Harry whispered holding Merlin’s hand._

_“I know,” And he did know. He could see it in Harry’s face. Merlin stepped closer and gently situated them so he could hold his husband close. He wanted to weep right there at how small and thin Harry had become._

_“It’s okay ye know,” It was a hushed sob. He had read that sometimes your loved one needed to hear that. But Merlin was a fool to think his husband would believe his words._

_“It is unkind to lie your husband,” Harry said softly._

_Biting back the tears that threatened to spill over, “It has to be okay. I can’t…” Merlin paused gathering his emotions, “Ye can’t stay for me.” It hurt to say that. His heart physically hurt._

_“I’ll always be with you,” Harry promised._

_“Ye keep telling me that,” Merlin said._

_“Because I will,” He weakly brought Merlin’s hand to his lips and gave it a kiss. “You’ll see.”_

_And he wanted to believe his husband’s words because the thought of him not physically being there was breaking him apart. But watching Harry suffer like this was worse. Merlin knew he couldn’t watch it much longer._

_“It’s been a long road,” Harry whispered._

_“Aye,” Merlin choked and gave him a kiss on his neck. “I’ll always love ye.”_

_“As I you,” He reassured him and allowed the warmth of his love to comfort him. Even if he couldn’t feel it in his bones._

_Merlin listened to the shallow and steady breaths of his husband. He held a little tighter when they were slower. Maybe he should have stepped out. Not been there when it had happened. But Merlin knew himself well enough that not being there would eat him up._

_It was just 13 minutes past 3 in the afternoon when it finally happened. Merlin wasn’t sure he could move or let go. But he did._

The sound of someone knocking on his front door pulled him out of the nightmare he was having. Except it wasn’t a nightmare. It had been a long time since he had that dream or even allowed himself to relive that day. Forcing himself up with a groan the sound of Mr. Pickles claws against the hardwood echoed in the hall.

Opening the door, “Eggsy.” Merlin said in a small voice. His throat felt tight with emotion and by the look on Eggsy’s face, he must look like shite.

“You okay?” Eggsy asked and walked in. The man before him looked ashen with red-rimmed eyes.

Swallowing against the lump in his throat, “It’s been 8 years today.” His words barely audible.

“Oh,” Eggsy said and pulled him into a hug.

The contact broke the dam and Merlin couldn’t stop the tears that fell now. He didn’t want to. Months and years of missing the man who had showed him how to love. He was just aware that they were now seated on the couch, but a pair of caring arms were wrapped securely around him.

*

When he woke his head was on someone’s lap. Looking up Merlin saw Eggsy’s head propped on his hand as he was sleeping sitting up. His chest tightened. He sat up carefully not to disturb him, but still, a set of blue-green eyes were staring at him when he turned.

“Are you okay?” Eggsy knew the question was stupid. Obviously, Merlin was far from okay as he had spent most of the night crying on Eggsy’s shoulder. He had never seen the older man more broken.

Nodding his head, “I will be.” And he knew the words to be true. He would be okay.

He watched him with weary eyes as Merlin stood and stretched, “Hungry?” Eggsy asked stretching himself out.

“Is it morning already?” He glanced at his watch and was taken aback that he had spent the entire night with Eggsy on the couch.

“I know a decent place that serves pretty good pancakes,” Eggsy smiled at Merlin.

*

Merlin found himself seated at the kitchen table of Eggsy’s parent’s house. They were lovely people. His mother was soft and caring and his Dad had a good sense of humor. A bit cheeky, but Merlin figured that’s where Eggsy had gotten that.

“These are pretty good,” Merlin agreed after his second helping. He hadn’t realized how hungry he had been.

“Told you,” Eggsy winked at him.

“You only say that because Daisy thought so,” Michelle said and filled their cups with tea.

Looking at Eggsy, Merlin wondered if that was too much for him, “Mum I grew up with them. I’d think they were the best anyway.” He watched with awe as Michelle kissed her son on the head.

“What are your plans for the day?” Lee asked still looking over the morning paper.

Giving a shrug, “I don’t know.” Eggsy admitted, “Don’t work today.”

“I wish you would go back to teaching,” Lee said.

Eggsy refrained from rolling his eyes, “Someday.” And he meant it. Deep down he yearned to go back and teach. He missed the interaction with kids.

“I didn’t go back to my own store for years,” Merlin added and saw Eggsy give him a smile behind the rim of his cuppa.

*

“I want to plant some flowers at Daisy’s grave,” Eggsy said breaking the silence.

They were out walking their dogs and had stopped to sit on a bench. It was later in the afternoon turning into the evening.

“Which kind did ye have in mind?”

“Shasta daisies.”

“Pure and white,” Merlin nodded his head.

“My girl was pure,” Eggsy murmured. “I plan to do it in the spring. Probably in April.”

“That is a good time.”

“Would you help me?” Eggsy asked fidgeting with his hands. “I...wanted someone close there while I did it.”

Merlin felt a little confused that he wouldn’t have asked his parents, “Do yer parents not want to help ye?”

Shaking his head, “That isn’t it. I didn’t ask them. I want you there.” Eggsy wasn’t sure if he had overstepped. He knew they were good friends. But there was something else about Merlin that Eggsy couldn’t quite put his finger on yet.

His heart swelled at the confession, “I’d be honored to go with ye.”

“Okay,” Eggsy breathed.

*

_“How is she?” Kelly asked. She had seen Eggsy coming out of the public library and had to stop him._

_Eggsy stared at her, “She’s great.” It had been the first time he had seen Daisy’s mother since her birth 2 years ago._

_“Good,” She wasn’t sure what else to say._

_“Do you want to meet her?” Eggsy had always hoped that Daisy could have both of her parents._

_“I’m not good for her. Wouldn’t be a good mum,” Kelly said and looked around as she shifted on her feet._

_Recognizing the movements, “You’re using again aren't you?” Eggsy knew without having to ask the question._

_“Listen, not everyone can have your life,” Her eyes shifting around them._

_He stepped back offended, “And what would that be?” He was angry._

_“Good job, good parents, a kid.” She bit her nails._

_“That kid and her name_ is _Daisy by the way. You could have known her too. How wonderful and smart she is,” Eggsy didn’t realize he was raising his voice until people who passed them stared. “I never kept her away. I always gave you the choice,” He lowered his voice._

_“She deserves better than me,” Kelly admitted and she had tears in her eyes. “Knew you’d do good by her.”_

_“You’re right I would. I love her,” Eggsy said and his heart hurt for Kelly. “Let me help you. Help you get clean. You could have Daisy in your life. That ship has sailed for us years ago, but she could know you.”_

_“Does she look like me?” Kelly tried to keep the hope out of her voice._

_Eggsy smiled at her and pulled his phone out, “She does. Has your blonde hair.”_

_“And my green eyes,” Kelly smiled._

_“Yeah,” He looked her over carefully. “I can help you.”_

_Kelly looked him in the eyes and saw nothing but sincerity in them. She saw the life she had thrown away, a good man who despite everything kept the daughter they had made and still offered out his heart to help her, “I can’t do that to you. You were always a kind man.”_

_“Because of Daisy, you’re a part of my life that I won’t ever regret,” He tore a piece of paper out of one of his notebooks and wrote his number down. “If you change your mind.” Eggsy handed it to her and gave her a nod before leaving._

_His mate Jamal had told him two weeks later that she had OD’d._

 

Eggsy sat legs crossed in front of him at Daisy’s grave. He had just finished her favorite book and had brought another. It was Dr. Seuss’s The Cat In The Hat.

“Know you loved this,” Eggsy spoke like he always did. It was easier to talk to her. He stared at the first page and thought of something else.

“I remember you asking me about your mummy,” Eggsy sighed. “Never forget the day you came home crying because it was mother’s day and you didn’t have one.”

_His daughter was crying in her room and he looked at his mum, “Is she okay?”_

_She got up and handed Eggsy the card, “They were making mother’s day cards at school.”_

_Eggsy knew why his flower was upset, “I’ll take care of it. Thanks, mum.”_

_Michelle gave Eggsy a kiss on the cheek and left._

_“Baby,” Eggsy knocked softly on her door and sat on her bed. Her light skin was red and blotchy from crying._

_“Why don’t I have a mummy too?” The four-year-old asked._

_He didn’t know how to tell her, “Not all kids have mums.”_

_“But you have nana and papa,” Daisy hiccuped. “I want one too.”_

_He gathered her in his arms, “I’m sorry.” Eggsy wasn’t sure what else to say. He wished he could take her pain away. To make it all better._

_“I love you,” Eggsy said and kissed her head. He knew it wouldn’t fix the problem at hand. And maybe one day when she was old enough to know, he’d tell her._

_She sniffled some and buried her face in the crook of her father’s neck, “I love you too, Daddy.”_

 

He ran a hand over his face, “I think she could have loved you. Maybe she did. But she was so messed up and had a bad habit. I wanted to help her. Wanted her to be a part of your life,” Eggsy smiled. “Because I wanted the world to know how special my girl was.”

“So I kept you and cared for you,” He paused and rubbed at the locket around his neck. “You were the best thing in my life. Still are, even though you’re not here. I love you flower,” Eggsy said and grabbed the book to read to her.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I want to thank you all for your patience for updates on this story. It is a story that requires a certain muse and I need to be in just the right mood to write it. I hope you all enjoy, and we're one more chapter from being done.
> 
> Much Love <3 xoxo

Harry’s birthday had come and gone and for once in the last 7 birthdays Merlin has celebrated he did not buy a tie for his late husband. It had been something he had done. Maybe it was in habit. His husband loved to look sharp. Always wearing a bespoke suit, even to their little bookstore. But this year Merlin didn’t do that. Instead, he visited his grave.

It was a cool April morning. He had on one of his best suits on in memory of his Harry. He had always told Merlin he looked dashing in them. Truthfully Merlin felt like he was wearing a monkey suit. But as he stood there today with a potted plant. One of Harry’s favorites, hydrangeas and they were a light blue which Harry had loved. They had a few planted in front of their home and Merlin decided maybe it was time he added some to his grave.

He didn’t care if he got his outfit dirty. Merlin was sure it would cause his husband to roll in his grave. But he always reminded Harry that was what dry cleaning was for. He sat in front of it not paying attention to the other people that passed by him. A few stopped and gave a look of sadness that Merlin was not at all aware of.

In a way, he wanted to be close to Harry again. Ever since the dream Merlin had had of Harry telling him it was okay; he hadn’t had another. Not any of him sick or well and it was beginning to bother him. Almost made it seem like they weren’t connected anymore. And Merlin knew it was silly. They would always be connected on another level that even them not being around each other physically wouldn’t hinder.

“I miss ye,” he whispered to the stone. Merlin picked at a few blades of grass. He thought over the last few months and how he was growing closer to Eggsy.

Wondering in the back of his mind if the lad felt the same way he did. They had become more comfortable around one another. Not that anything was awkward before.

Merlin had taken him out a few times and wasn’t sure if Eggsy saw it as a date or not. For now, he’d let the lad figure out what he felt. But he wouldn’t deny that he always scooted closer to him during a movie. Or the light brush of their hands when they’d walk the dogs.

A part of Merlin thought he was overthinking it all and instilling false hope into something that may just be a beautiful friendship. And if that’s all this was, well then he could live with that.

Running a hand over his face, “I know ye can see what’s going on. And I know ye said it’s okay to love another. Guess the only part that scares me is that it won’t be accepted.” He sighed, “No love I have with anyone else will be like what we had. And I know deep down that’s okay. Because it would be different.”

The wind blew a little harder and Merlin could swear he could feel warmth to his heart. The familiar scent of Harry wafted through the air, but only for a second. As soon as it had appeared it was gone. Maybe it was because Merlin was wearing a suit that had been stuffed in a closet that had housed Harry’s clothes for years. But another part of his brain told him it was his husband, reassuring him that it’s okay to love someone else.

Placing his hands to his lips Merlin put them against the cold stone, “I’ll see ye someday my heart.” And left.

*

Eggsy stretched out in bed the morning light shining through his blinds. Today was the day he’d be going to Daisy’s grave and planting the Shasta daisies he had been growing.

When he had purchased them Eggsy hadn’t known how hard it would be to care for them. He also didn’t know they needed as much sunlight as they did. He was in a panic one evening when he noticed they were dying.

He could have asked his parents for help, but the first person he thought of was Merlin. And bless his soul the man was there in no time. Calming Eggsy, because he was a mess. He had been so scared he was killing his daisies. And Merlin knew the meaning behind why he was more frantic than necessary over some flowers.

Eggsy was relieved when Merlin had brought a book on flowers. Turned out they needed more light than they were getting. And it only had taken a few days for them to start to perk up again.

Feeling grateful for the kind man in his life a warm sensation had spread across his chest and the urge to hold him close was choking Eggsy. He wondered why he had craved to be so close to Merlin and why he was the first one he thought of when he was distressed. Chalking it up to the man helping him through the hardest times of his life.

Eggsy gave out a sigh and heaved himself out of bed and went about getting ready for the day. Kissing his parents goodbye Eggsy had JB and slowly made his way to Morton’s Grounds.

A smile spread across his face when he saw Merlin leaning against the brick building. One foot propped against the wall, phone in hand.

Mr. Pickle began to wag his tail which caused his whole back end to move with excitement. JB mimicked these movements and both dogs greeted their new walking companions.

“Think they’re in love with one another,” Eggsy laughed looking at the two. When he looked up at Merlin he was staring back. The look on his face had a feeling stir low in Eggsy’s tummy. He wasn’t sure what it was.

“Here,” he said handing the lead over. “I’ll be back, yeah?” Eggsy disappeared to grab their beverages. Coming out he handed Merlin his cuppa, “Your favorite.” And Eggsy didn’t miss the smile playing on Merlin’s lips.

“Shall we?” Merlin gestured and lead the way to the park they walked almost daily now.

They stayed silent the first few times around the park. Occasionally stopping to let the canines do their business and every once in a while they’d stop to sniff another fury passerby with their owner. It was a habit they had fallen into over the last few months.

“Ye ready for today?” Merlin inquired as they came to a stop to sit on a free bench.

Eggsy played with his paper cup. Carefully taking apart the rim of it, “Yeah.” His voice was small, unsure even. And in a gesture that was more comfortable than Eggsy thought it should have been, Merlin wrapped his arm around his shoulders.

A light squeeze of his hand over Eggsy’s shoulder, “Ye don’t have to ye know. No one is making ye do this.” He reminded the younger man.

Taking a deep breath in and looking to the sky, “I know, but I made a promise to my flower.” Eggsy looked at Merlin and felt himself soothed by the hazel eyes looking kindly back at him, “And what kind of dad would I be to break a promise?”

Merlin smiled and went to stand, “Well we better be going then. It’s quite a walk.” He waited and when Eggsy joined him they left.

*

Eggsy sat crossed legged in front of his daughters grave. He had brought the flowers with him and a book that he wanted to read to her. He was just a little self-conscious having someone there with him while he read aloud. But it wasn’t just anyone, it was Merlin and Eggsy knew he wouldn’t be judged.

Merlin listened to the lad as he read through a children's book he hadn’t heard of before. Looking on the front of it he noticed it was a child-friendly book on the solar system. There were some things in the book that he hadn’t known himself. Not helping himself he watched Eggsy the whole time. The way his face frowned a bit as he read or how his reading glasses began to slide down his nose after a few pages.

He was in complete awe of Eggsy. It had taken him years to get over Harry’s death. Merlin knew everyone went through grief differently and the length varied, but the strength that Eggsy showed despite losing his daughter was inspiring to say the least. It only made Merlin realize how in love he truly was with the man before.

“Hey Merlin,” Eggsy said waving a hand in the man’s face. He had called his name a few times, but Merlin just kept staring at him. “You good there, bruv?”

Clearing his throat while he blinked his eyes Merlin felt the heat rise to his cheeks, “Aye, I am fine. Sorry, what did ye say?”

Eggsy looked at how the dusting of red colored Merlin’s face and thought how it looked lovely on him. Dismissing the thought he took the gardening gloves and handed a pair to Merlin, “Kind of want to put them on either side of her headstone and if there is enough we can have them like closing in around the front.” He gestured with his hands where he’d like to put them.

“I’m sure it will look lovely once we’re done, lad.”

They both started on opposite ends of the stone and worked their way to the middle like Eggsy had suggested. Both were close enough that their hips and shoulders were touching once they were done.

Sitting back on his heels Eggsy stared at the white flowers they had planted.

 

_Daisy snuggled in closer to her father’s side after he sang happy birthday to her, “Daddy?” She asked looking up at him._

_“Yes, flower?”_

_“Why did you name me Daisy?” He chuckled at his 5-year-old's question. Eggsy figured his little girl was the inquisitive sort and it was only going to get worse as she got older._

_Thinking carefully he tightened his arms around her, “When you were born I wasn’t sure what to name you. But I looked at you and saw just something so beautiful and pure. It made me think of daisies. Only the white ones. Shasta daisies.” He kissed her nose._

_“What are those?” Her face scrunching up._

_“They’re a flower. A very pretty flower just like you. Only you’re the prettiest,” Eggsy watched her eyes light up._

_“And I’m only yours? Right, daddy?”_

_Smiling at his little girl, “Only mine. My precious flower.”_

 

“Named her after these,” Eggsy whispered. He brought a hand out to touch one of the petals carefully. “She was my flower. So wonderful.”

Merlin sat back with Eggsy and took his hand in his own. He sat there just letting what they had done sink in.

He laughed and it was a shaky sound, “On her 5th birthday she asked me why I named her Daisy. Told her it was because of these.” He gestured to the freshly planted flowers. “Said she was pure. And when I looked at her I thought of the purest thing I could remember. Shasta daisies came to mind.” Eggsy bit his lip feeling the burn in his eyes and nose.

Eggsy pulled in a breath and let it out, “Still can’t believe she’s gone. It’s gotten easier, but I just can’t believe part of my heart is in the ground.” He felt the trickle of tears roll down his face. Staring ahead he missed the movement and felt soft lips kissing away his tears. Turning his head his face was just an inch from Merlins.

Gazing back at the blue-green eyes Merlin saw a question in them. Neither of them backed away from one another. In his peripheral vision, Merlin could see Eggsy slowly raising his hand. It came up to cup the left side of his face. He closed his eyes against the touch and opened them to see a desire in the ones looking back at him.

Watching how he was being received Eggsy moved closer and closed the space between them. He placed his lips softly on Merlin’s. It was slow and lovely. A feeling stirred deep within him and Eggsy realized what he had felt for the person in front of him. He pulled away slowly, only enough that they could look at each other.

He had so many questions, but one was the most important, “Is this what it feels like to be in love?” And Eggsy knew the answer to that without even having been in love before. Because he knew right then and there that he loved Merlin.

“Aye, it is,” he agreed and smiled when their mouths met again.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, the end is here. So sorry it took me so long to get it out! Over a month really. But, I needed the right voice for it. I hope you enjoy the end of this story. It was a long, painful road for these two. But, they've found some happiness. 
> 
> Much Love <3 xoxo

Eggsy stared at his now empty classroom, wondering how so much could happen in just two short years. Having finished out his first year back, he felt whole again, like he had a purpose. Packing up the remaining few items he had left out for the last day, Eggsy got a ping on his phone. Checking it, he smiled when he saw who it was from. Sending off a quick response, Eggsy began to gather all the things that adorned his desk. Saving the two picture frames for last. One holding a picture of his daughter, smiling happily bellow a tree in Hyde Park and the other of himself and Merlin at his mother’s for Christmas last year.

He stroked his thumb over the one that held Daisy’s face, time had dulled the pain, but it was still there. Never missing a weekend where he would go and leave flowers at her grave or just simply read aloud to her. Even when his life had become busier going back to teaching. Eggsy was glad his parents and Merlin had convinced him to go back. He had every intention, but without the added push, Eggsy knew he wouldn’t have done it. There had been questions throughout the year, people wondering who the sweet girl was that adorned his workspace.

It hurt less each time he explained who she was, and he knew his girl would be proud. Making sure to grab his work satchel, Eggsy shut the lights off to the room he would be leaving for the next two months. Stopping in the doorway to run back in and grab the pot of Shasta Daisies Merlin had given him. One last sweep of the room and he left.

A bittersweet feeling settled in over his heart, Eggsy loved to teach and at least he’d be returning again in September. He waved off to a few other teachers who were leaving for the summer. It wasn’t hard to find his car, loading everything in the boot before climbing into the driver seat. Midway through the year, Eggsy had said enough and slowly began to ride with Merlin places in his vehicle. It was hard, he wouldn’t lie to himself and say he didn’t have a few panic attacks and flashbacks. The first time left Eggsy sweating and in tears, but he pulled through and by the first of the year he had purchased his own car and decided to drive. There were some bad days still when he’d ask Merlin for a ride. But they were few and far between now.

Parking on the side of the road, Eggsy brought his belongings into his flat. Having moved in shortly after he had planted the flowers at Daisy’s grave two years ago. JB greeted him happily at the door, the pug hopping all over his legs.

“Hey bud,” Eggsy said crouching to give him some pets. Chuckling when the chubby canine rolled the side and exposed his belly. He scratched against the dog's fur and smiled at the happy snorts and grunts JB made.

“You need to go out, yeah?” At the mention of being taken for a walk, JB popped his head up and his ears perked. Head tilting to the side as Eggsy stood to get his leash, “Come on.” He said hooking it to the collar.

*

They made a few laps around Hyde Park like they usually did after Eggsy came home from work. He checked his phone and made sure to give his takeout order for the evening to Merlin. On his way back, Eggsy stopped at Morton’s Grounds for a cuppa.

“Hey Eggsy,” Roxy smiled from the counter. She dipped below and came back up with a treat for JB. Coming around, Roxy handed it to the pug who was wagging his tail in anticipation for his daily biscuit.

“He’s getting too fat,” Eggsy chided, but didn’t take the treat from the dog. “Dog has gained half a stone, Rox.”

“Hush,” Roxy said affectionately. “The usual then?” She inquired already getting his beverage ready.

“Yeah,” Eggsy said, resting his elbows against the countertop. “Busy day?” He looked around and it was pretty empty for being a Friday afternoon.

“It was just a moment ago,” She said handing him his cuppa and refusing his money like she did every day.

“Hm,” Eggsy hummed taking a sip. “Where’s your dad?” He wondered, usually Percival would be out by now to greet him.

“Caught a summer cold, I made him go home. Told him it wouldn’t be good to get his sick all over people.”

“That’s smart,” Eggsy agreed and peered down at JB who had finished his biscuit and was looking expectantly up at him. “You had your share, no more for you until dinner,” That earned Eggsy a bark from his companion.

“You want a scone or danish?” Roxy asked going to the case to pull something out.

“Nah,” Eggsy shook his head, “Not today. Merlin will be by with takeout soon,” Taking a peek at his watch, sooner than he thought. “I have to go, you sure you don’t want me to pay?” He questioned like he did every time he stopped in. And he held up his hands in surrender at the glare she gave him, and just like any other time, Eggsy placed money in her tip jar.

“And that’s exactly why I don’t charge you,” Roxy called after him as he headed out of the shop.

*

Letting JB in after unhooking his leash, Eggsy toed off his shoes. Unfastening his tie as he went into his bedroom, Eggsy stripped himself of his teaching clothes and traded them for old trackies and his university t-shirt. Feeling more comfortable, Eggsy wandered into the front room. Sagging into his sofa as he browsed the telly for something to watch. Settling on a comedy show, JB hopped up and made himself comfortable on Eggsy’s lap. Eggsy stroked the dog’s head mindlessly. It wasn’t long before he heard a soft knock on his door and it opening, Mr. Pickle barrelling through and was quickly on his lap as well. The small dog bestowed fervent licks to Eggsy’s face as if the canine hadn’t seen him in ages.

“Well, hello Pickle,” Eggsy chuckled running his palm over the soft hair on the dog's body. He felt JB leave him in favor for the other visitor that had gone into the kitchen, “What did da bring?” Eggsy asked the Yorkshire sweetly.

He smiled at how Mr. Pickle tilted his head and ran to find Merlin. Eggsy followed the dogs at a more leisure pace, he stood in the entryway marveling at the person standing at his counter. Eggsy liked to watch the careful muscles of Merlin’s back flex with his movements. And he didn’t say anything as his boyfriend snuck pieces of chicken to each dog.

Turning his head at the sound of feet shuffling behind him, Merlin smiled, “Been standing there long?” He inquired as he plated their food.

“No,” Eggsy said not moving.

“Mm,” Merlin hummed. “Want to grab a beer for us?” He asked, bringing the food to the table. Eyes sweeping over Eggsy as he went to grab their beverages. It struck him as strange sometimes, that Merlin was able to love another person. But he gathered his heart was big enough to fit Eggsy and Harry there. He watched Eggsy sit on the other side of him, taking the offered beer they both tucked in.

A few bites in, “How was the last day?” Merlin questioned before taking a swig of his alcohol.

“It was good,” Eggsy slipped a piece of broccoli to Mr. Pickle and JB. “The kids were so excited to be on summer holiday, can’t say I wasn’t eager to be done either,” He smiled.

Merlin watched the way Eggsy’s blue-green eyes twinkled while he spoke of his students, “Ye looking forward to a break then?”

“Oh, yeah,” Eggsy nodded his head. “But, I can’t wait to go back again. The first of the year and the end of the year are my favorite.”

“Why’s that?” Merlin asked around a bite of curry.

Eggsy took a sip of his drink, “The beginning because they’re so eager to learn. The happy faces to start the year off, the excitement they feel if they had landed a class with one of their mates. It’s nice to see a classroom full of fresh faces.” He explained, “And the end of the year because you can see their growth. I remember what these kids looked like, physically and academically in the beginning and the difference between then and now is amazing. There’s a sense of pride that goes with it as well, like, yeah. I helped those kids get to where they are now,” Eggsy’s smile was warm.

Merlin loved to listen to Eggsy speak of his job, his boyfriend was so passionate about it and he truly was good with those children. The conversation continued into Merlin’s day and how business went at the bookstore. It was the usual talk at the dinner table. They finished and Eggsy did the dishes while Merlin took the dogs for a quick walk. It had become routine.

Entering the flat, Merlin observed Eggsy on the couch. His reading glasses sliding down his nose as he looked over a paper, that Merlin was sure from school. Merlin always thought Eggsy looked adorable when he read, his brow creased in a small frown.

A long finger slid his glasses into place, Eggsy looked up and smiled at the hazel eyes gazing at him, “What?” The way Merlin looked at him sometimes had his heart seizing to beat. It was like he was seeing right into Eggsy’s soul.

“Nothing,” Merlin said slinging his arm around Eggsy’s shoulder, with his free hand he cupped his face and leaned in for a sweet kiss.

Reaching forward, Eggsy placed his work on the coffee table in favor to cuddle with his boyfriend. He pressed himself into the man’s side, lacing their fingers together. Feeling the weight of lips on his head, Eggsy crained his head to steal a kiss from Merlin. Not having been with a man before, Eggsy was new to all of the intimacy associated with it. But Merlin was patient with him, and slowly they found what worked for them as a couple. They had learned a lot about each other over the last two years.

Merlin rubbed soothingly over Eggsy’s shoulder as they watched the film playing on the telly. He could feel himself dozing as the credits played. Merlin looked down and saw Eggsy was fast asleep against his chest. Bending down, he pressed kisses to his boyfriend's lips in hopes to wake him. After the fifth one, Eggsy’s eyes fluttered open, “We should go to bed.” Merlin said.

“Yeah,” Eggsy said around a yawn. Going through the motions of locking up and readying for bed, both retired to Eggsy’s room. It had been a discussion over the last month, whether they’d purchase a home together or if Eggsy would move into Merlin’s place. There were only two nights out of the week that they might not spend together. And each of those nights, Eggsy craved the secure arms of his love around him. He knew Merlin felt the same way, both missing the other when they didn’t share the same bed.

Curling himself against Merlin, “Think I should let my lease go.” Eggsy murmured into the dark. Silence fell over them for a moment, the only thing that could be heard were the snores of the dogs at the end of the bed.

Tightening his hold around Eggsy, Merlin traced circles over his back, “If ye want.” He wouldn’t make the decision for Eggsy. Their relationship built on choices and patience. He wasn’t the type to force his boyfriend into anything.

Lifting up to place a few kisses to the underside of Merlin’s jaw, Eggsy sighed, “I do. I don’t really want to spend a day where I’m not with you.” He admitted and was grateful Merlin couldn’t see the blush coloring his cheeks.

The confession pulled at Merlin’s heart, “Aye, I feel the same way, Eggsy.” Giving a kiss to the crown of Eggsy’s head.

“Okay,” Eggsy said in a small voice. A few more minutes passed, “I love you.” It hadn’t been the first time Eggsy had said it. There were plenty of ‘I love you’s’ passed between them over the years.

“As I love ye,” Merlin assured him. And at that moment, Merlin knew he’d be using the piece of jewelry he had purchased over a month ago. He never thought he would have found love again, let alone want to get married again. But as he held Eggsy, there was no doubt in Merlin’s mind. Merlin gave Eggsy another kiss before settling in to find sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank you all for the kudos, comments, bookmarks, and subscriptions. You guys have been great! Thank you to everyone who stuck out with this story and its slow updates. I hope you all enjoyed the end for these two.  
> I love you all!


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